


Vacillation

by daftalchemist



Series: A New AUniverse [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Blackrom, Frottage, I mean LOOOOOOOOTS, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Oral Sex, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Quadrant Vacillation, Xeno, all the roms, and tentacle dick, but not gray, lots of feels, palemance, redrom, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-22 22:08:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daftalchemist/pseuds/daftalchemist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The game is won, at a cost. As the survivors come to terms with the new planet they have ended up on, John seeks the comfort of a friend to deal with the pain of their losses, but ends up in a tangled mess of quadrants instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Super lots of big awesome thanks to f1rstperson who is the best beta-er and also best moirail and she wrote "boner" in the margins for like every paragraph and I love her for it.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you never realized how much it would hurt to see a ghost die.

It wasn't that you didn't expect the ghosts would die. You knew for a fact that they were able to be killed. You just hadn't expected SO MANY of them to be killed. Maybe all? It was hard to keep track. The battle had gotten much more desperate than anyone had anticipated. You tried so often to recall what exactly happened, how you all had even managed to win, but it was a giant, indecipherable blur in your mind. Maybe some sort of psychic backlash? It didn't really matter. The only thing that mattered was that you had won, you started a new universe, and you somehow managed to stay with your friends—troll and otherwise.

The only time anyone saw ghosts now were in dream bubbles. At first seeing old friends like that had been a gift, but after all that had happened most of the ghosts were from failed timelines that weren't close enough to yours, and either didn't know about the things that were breaking your heart, or knew enough to make you feel guilty for making that one mistake that would have kept them alive.

Things weren't as great as you had expected them to be. There were so few of you left. For the most part, everyone seemed to carry on just fine, but you couldn't tell whether it was a really good facade or the fact that everyone had paired off almost immediately. Then there were the few that hadn't made it through completely intact. Gamzee had gone nearly catatonic. There was nothing Karkat could do to help him out of it. Mostly everyone was just glad that whatever deep end he had gone off this time didn't involve murder, but it was obvious to everyone how much it hurt Karkat that he couldn't help his palemate.

Everyone seemed to have issues coping with their losses on their own. Shortly after the dust settled, you tried to strike up a relationship with Rose based on Karkat's shipping chart—repopulating the species and whatnot. Aside from it being terribly awkward, everyone eventually realized there wasn't really a way to repopulate without inbreeding at some point anyway. Some of the more scientifically inclined started looking into ways of mixing human and troll DNA, though you didn't really look into the progress on that often. If at all. Which was generally never.

Everyone sort of moved on at their own pace, counting on their...well, whatever quadrant they were using at the time, for support. Or for an ass-kicking pep talk. It REALLY depended on the quadrant, actually. In fact, most of the things the human half of the group did anymore were adopted from the trolls' way of life. Some things were just practical. A hive was apparently so easy to build that wigglers do it, so that seemed like the most obvious choice for a bunch of teenagers. You still often referred to them as houses, mostly due to habit. But Rose, Dave, and Jade had also adopted the quadrant system, and you honestly couldn't quite understand that. Well, you could if you thought really hard for a moment, but those thoughts generally involved copious amounts of kinks, and that's a train of thought you didn't like to ride for too long.

You didn't move on though. You tried to. You REALLY tried to. It was just so hard to be the old chipper John Egbert after seeing so much destruction. You tried to put on a good act for your friends, but it was a tough act to perform. You ended up mostly keeping to yourself so you didn't have to play the part at all. It was easy due to the whole flying thing, and the excuse that you were exploring your new planet. You had all ended up on this strange place, not knowing where it came from or even how it came into existence. Everyone assumed you'd either go back to your own home worlds (hopefully all fixed up), or possibly end up on one or the other. A whole new world had never entered into your thoughts.

It was an interesting place to be sure, a weird mix of Earth and Alternia. The flora was terrestrial enough, though the colors were a bit off. The fauna, however, was more like what you had imagined lusii would look like, although you were apparently wrong about that. Kanaya had tried to explain the difference to you once. Something about lusii specifically being moderately sentient, whereas the rest were just regular beasts. Apparently there was some way to tell the difference just by looking at them, but after many failed attempts at guessing which was which, you gave up. You figured it was something only a troll could notice since they're the ones who would need to know the difference for survival purposes.

It was eventually decided that everyone should use the non-sentient beasts as a food source. There were quite a few edible plants around your “town”, but protein was sorely missing from everyone's diet. The trolls were slower about agreeing than you and your friends had been, which was understandable. Eventually they gave in to the idea when hunger started to set in, but none of them ate anything that had resembled their own lusii.

Kanaya kept a tight watch on the beast population since that started. She wanted to make sure they weren't hunted into extinction. Since you had the ability to fly, it was decided that you should keep track of herd movements and their numbers, especially since you were already out exploring every day. You had no issue with it. It was honestly nice to have something to do to keep your mind from thinking about itself too much.

On this particular excursion you were tracking a herd of what looked like buff deer with massive bull horns when you noticed something dark and broody near a lake. Upon flying in for a closer look, you realized it was Karkat sitting at the water's edge and landed softly next to him.

“Should I be tracking troll migrations now too?” you said laughing, slipping into your old Egbert act.

Karkat simply grunted; not unexpected. He seemed distracted by his laptop, or whatever it was the trolls called it. Something-top...or husk, or...on second thought, didn't matter. It was a laptop. He had some sort of spreadsheet up.

You knelt down and checked it out from over his shoulder, somewhat surprised when he sighed angrily but didn't verbally tear you a new one. You watched as his fingers flew over the keyboard for a few minutes.

“What are you doing?” you asked at last.

He slammed his hands flat on the keyboard and glared over his shoulder at you. “You've been watching me for five fucking minutes as I type in ALTERNIAN, and you only JUST NOW thought to ask what I'm doing?”

You couldn't think of an appropriate Egbert response to that, so you just grinned sheepishly and shrugged. Fortunately that was also a correct response.

“Since you're too busy flying around with your head up your fucking ass to come back to the ground with the rest of us lowly fucking wigglers, I've taken the liberty of keeping tabs on the creatures you have apparently deemed unworthy of your noble fucking gaze. Namely small critters and fish. I bet you never thought to check up on fish, did you, fuckass?”

The slight groan that accompanied the tirade was a nice touch, but the whole thing honestly felt a bit half-assed to you. That didn't stop you from snorting in amusement though. You were glad that even with your new somber mood, Karkat's insults still entertained you much more than they ever hurt you.

You sat back and brought your knees to your chest, resting your chin on your hand. “Okay, so tell me about it.”

Karkat gave you a look of severe confusion for a moment. You supposed he had expected you to do something energetic and annoying, but you were settling in comfortably to this conversation and just wanted to roll without the act for a bit. He made a snorting sound (possibly amused?) and turned back to his laptop with a sigh.

“Well I'm certainly not about to swim in there and give my full fucking attention to a bunch of dinners waiting to happen,” he said as he idly scrolled through his spreadsheet. “But the water is translucent enough to get an idea of how many of the things are in there. That's good enough until Prince Bubbles gets off Dave's dick for a moment and looks into it for us.”

Yeah, not something you wanted to hear about. It wasn't that you didn't know about Dave and Eridan's little thing they had, you just really didn't want to know any more about it than its existence. You groaned and laid back on the slope of the sandy shore. The water _was_ pretty translucent. You could easily see the shapes of dozens of white fish under the purple water. The humans of the group had been weirded out by the color at first, but it was potable. You blew ripples across the surface with your breath then stared at the clouds. At least the sky was the right color, even if the trees around you consisted of yellow trunks and sea foam green leaves. It was soothing though.

Karkat grumbled something incoherent and typed away angrily. You had no idea that keeping track of fish could be so nerve-wracking, and you chuckled softly. He shot you a burning glare accompanied by a growl before returning to his work. Well, so much for keeping your mind occupied today.

“I wasn't actually putting much effort into keeping track of all the animals,” you said as you watched the clouds pass by.

Karkat closed his laptop with a sudden loud snap. “No. Fucking. Way. I cannot even believe that a responsible and intelligent person such as yourself would take on an important task and not even fucking do it thoroughly. I refuse to believe that our great heir and leader would allow such atrocities from himself in order to save myself from the extreme fucking pain of disappointment.”

You rolled your eyes dramatically. “Yeah, yeah.”

He stared at you again, completely caught off guard. It was getting a little weird.

“What?” you said at last, hoping it would make him stop staring (seriously, really weird).

He exhaled sharply and squinted his eyes at you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

The harshness of the words paired with the concern in the question made you laugh. “What? Why do you even care?”

His eyes shot open for a brief moment before he settled them back into his previous leveling gaze. “What the fuck do you mean 'why do I even care'? You're being really fucking weird. You're...relaxed.”

You giggled and then shrugged, resting your hands on your chest. “Is it really that weird?”

“Yes!”

You sighed. Great, you hadn't realized how much everyone expected you to be overwhelmingly excited all the time.

“Well,” you said at last, “you're actually pretty relaxed too, Karkat.”

You were pretty sure Karkat had choked on his own saliva at that. Maybe you'd put your finger on something he was attempting to hide as well? Karkat groaned loudly, slipped into a strange angry hissing, then finished off with an “ugh” and fell back against the sand.

“I'm not relaxed,” he said after a moment of oddly intense silence. He sighed and crossed his arms over his eyes, his thick sweater sleeves obscuring the all but his mouth.

Now it was your turn to be weirded out. You propped yourself up on your elbows and looked him in where his eyes would be under his arms.

“Okay, so, uh...what's wrong with _you_?” you manage to stutter out, because now you were the one who didn't know how to react.

Karkat let out a ragged sigh and, oh shit, he wasn't crying, was he? You sat upright a bit quicker than you wanted to and scooted closer to him. “Karkat?”

“WHAT?” he roared at you as he flung his arms against the ground and, yes, he was certainly crying. Crimson tinted tears trickled down his cheeks. _Fuck._

Maybe you should have kept the act up. Maybe you had gone too far. He sat up and moved to gather up his laptop. Shit, you had really messed up this time.

“Karkat, I'm sorry,” you blurted out urgently, more like your old self without even trying. “I just haven't been feeling like myself recently, and I've been using this exploring and data collecting thing as an excuse to get away from everyone because I'm just forcing myself to be the same old John around them, and I just can't do it anymore! Please, I didn't mean to make things weird.”

He was standing with his back to you as you breathed heavily and did your absolute best to hold back your own tears. Not even Dave knew you had been feeling like this, and he was still your best bro. You had spent a ridiculous amount of time co-leadering with Karkat once everyone had met up in the game, but this kind of talk was far beyond anything you had ever discussed before.

He was still standing there, and you began to worry he was now completely creeped out and was about to storm off when he sat down with a whine. He gripped his laptop to his chest and hung his head, mumbling inaudibly.

“What?” you asked.

He groaned. “I don't feel the same as I used to either.”

Now this was a shock, though perhaps it shouldn't have been. He hadn't been cursing nearly as much, or been nearly as weirdly eloquent. In fact, his rage had been pretty tepid for a long while now.

You sat in silence for a moment, not really sure what to say. “Uh...is it because of the game?”

Karkat laughed hollowly, and you realized you officially had no handle on the situation. His laughter diminished into sobbing chuckles as he wiped his eyes dry with his sweater sleeve. A slow inhale brought him back to sanity, at least you hoped it did.

“ _Is it because of the game._ 'Is it because of the game, Karkat? The one where you made all the mistakes and all your friends fucking died?' OF COURSE IT'S THE FUCKING GAME!” he bellowed before dying off to a whimper. “It's not just the fucking game. It's Gamzee.”

Now you felt like a proper idiot for not realizing that sooner. “I'm sorry. I know you tried your best to help him.”

“Help him! Fucking help him!” his voice was getting a little manic now. “You don't fucking understand, John. I need him to help ME!”

He looked at you with such earnest pain in his eyes, and you realized he had just told you something he hadn't told anyone else. In retrospect, you probably should have realized that Karkat would need his moirail to deal with everything that had happened. You felt stupid for not realizing it sooner.

You scratched a hand through your wind-mussed hair, then looked back into his eyes. He held your gaze for a second then broke away and stared at his feet as he exhaled shakily.

“He's broken, and all I can think about is how I need him to help me,” Karkat said softly, and the shame in his voice was quite noticeable.

You leaned forward on your knees. “Karkat, I need you to not freak out right now, okay? I need you to stay mellowed out and sad like you are right now. Please don't freak out.”

His eyes darted back towards you, but you already had your arms around him before he could react. He stiffened immediately and you were so sure he was going to claw his way out of the hug; instead he slowly relaxed into it. Eventually you could feel him shaking softly with what you were absolutely certain were more tears.

You sighed and buried your forehead in his wiry hair, careful not to bonk yourself on a nubby horn.

“You know I don't know much about the quadrants no matter how much it's explained,” you started, “and I'm sure I'll mess it up somehow, but if you need a replacement moirail-” he stiffened again “-er, a stand-in, I mean...then I'll listen, and I promise I won't laugh or judge. You already know my secret too, after all.”

It took Karkat a moment before he relaxed again, but when he did you felt him softly nod his head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being moirails is awesome, except for when it's slightly less awesome.

It turned out Karkat needed a lot more emotional healing than you expected, though that was probably just ignorance on your part again. He was a lot more needy and clingy that you had anticipated, but you found that you didn't mind. You really did want to help him, and if you were honest with yourself, you also really wanted to be helped. In reality, the amount of time he wanted to spend with you wasn't even an issue. You were both out every day looking after wildlife as it was. It really didn't take much effort to work together on it instead. Karkat was far more knowledgeable about the creatures than you were, and he was able to take note of those which were intelligent enough to become lusii someday. His expertise made the work go by a lot faster, which wasn't a problem since all remaining hours could be spent on what he called a “feelings jam”. You just called it talking, but what did you know?

A flock of incredibly long-legged flightless birds were running off from the grassy meadow you had set up camp in as Karkat put his laptop into the pack Kanaya had sewn for him. She had sewn one for you too, though yours was full of blankets. Karkat liked to lay on piles of stuff when you talked. It had some sort of significance to him, but to you it was just comfortable. You pulled them out and piled them up in the equally soft navy blue grass. This planet was seriously weird sometimes.

Karkat purposely face-planted into the pile, a muffled grunt escaping the layers of fabric. Apparently the pile hadn't been thick enough to keep his nose from bouncing off the ground a bit. You laughed and crawled in next to him. He had already sat up with a blanket pulled up over his head like a cloak by the time you were finally settled. You hung your hood from your shoulders to keep it from getting caught around your feet. Karkat stared at you expectantly. You had only been sort-of-moirails for a week, and already he had gotten so much...softer around you. You caught him staring at you more often back in town, and sometimes when you were walking around the wilderness he would brush his hand past yours. It was awkward at first. You weren't used to being that close to another guy all the time, but you'd done a bit of research and learned that it was pretty normal as far as moirails went.

For the moment you just smiled, a genuine smile. You thought you saw Karkat smile back, but in a flash he was covering the lower half of his face with the blanket, and he kind of curled in on himself. It was ridiculous how adorable having a moirail made him. You wondered if he had been this way with Gamzee. You honestly hoped he had been; you didn't want to be a cheap substitute.

You leaned back on your hands and Karkat slowly fell over and curled up against your lap. Well, this was new. You pushed his blanket hood back a bit and scratched at his scalp, and to your astonishment he let out a soft purr before squeaking in surprise as he caught himself. You laughed out loud as you continued scratching.

“Wow, seriously?” you said, still giggling.

He pulled the blanket entirely over his head and curled into himself. “Shut the _fuck_ up, nookmunch! So _help_ me--!”

You laughed harder and pulled the blanket off of him, his eyes darted up at you warily. “It's fine, Karkat. I just didn't expect it.”

He visibly relaxed and leaned back against your legs. It was seriously cute when he got defensive. Actually, he was kind of cute in general now, just all the time. It was strange, but it seemed like he made up for his inability to let go of his emotions by acting sort of like a cat. Or maybe he just wasn't used to sharing his emotions with you specifically yet. You wondered if he was ever this silly around Gamzee. You'd actually been wondering those kinds of things quite frequently, but that was probably to be expected. You _really_ were trying to do this moirail thing right.

“I'm always afraid I'll see him in a dream bubble when I sleep,” Karkat murmured, like he could read your mind. He couldn't though. You already knew that. “Sometimes I think it would be nice, but it's never the way you want it to be. He wouldn't know how to make things better. He might not even be from a timeline where he was my moirail, and that would pretty much fucking destroy me.”

You ran your fingers through his hair, settling into a slow rhythm of petting his head. Which was kind of weird, but he really seemed to like it and that's all that mattered. “Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as all that?”

Karkat sighed and rolled onto his back, his head now partway on your lap. That was different, though not unpleasant. His bright yellow eyes looked up into your sky blue ones, but you saw no emotion in his stare.

“I failed him,” he eventually managed to whisper. “And now he's broken, and I can't help him. And then I was selfish and only wanted him to be able to help me. And now...it's only been a week and I don't even worry about him so much anymore.”

His eyes fluttered shut and he exhaled slowly. “I feel like I'm slowly abandoning him.”

Well, shit. You didn't know what to say to a troll about that. “Well...if you were a human, I would say that maybe Gamzee wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable without a moirail, you know?”

His eyes opened suddenly, and you felt a sudden bolt of panic that you were saying the wrong thing. You quickly swallowed and tried again.

“It's just...aside from the whole murder thing, he was a pretty selfless guy. He always took the abuse everyone threw at him. So, don't you think he would rather you be okay than be miserable just because he's...gone?”

He was off of your lap in an instant and kneeling in front of you. If you had to attach an emotion to that face, it would have to be “predatory with a hint of contemplation”. He leaned in towards you, and you leaned back in spite of yourself.

“Do you really think that's true?” he said, and you felt so relieved.

You nodded emphatically. “Of course! Moirails care about each other's emotional health, and you're getting help with that now, I hope. I think Gamzee would be happy about that.”

You could tell the gears were turning, you just hoped they landed on something favorable. Karkat sat back on his heels and looked at you hard, almost like he was trying to discern if you were telling him some story to make him feel better, or the truth. He was silent for quite a while, and his piercing gaze was starting to get extremely uncomfortable when he finally said, “I think you might be right”, and _lunged_ into the tightest hug you had ever experienced. You had no idea Karkat felt so badly about what the two of you had been doing and how desperately he needed someone to make it better. You especially didn't realize just how strong his self-loathing was that it would obscure such a simple solution, forcing him to see self-blame as the only option. You were glad this, at least, was going to be less of an issue now.

The hug had gone on almost too long to be a bro hug when Karkat pulled his legs into your lap and snuggled into you. This was...unexpected. You had a moment of stupid and didn't know what to do; eventually settling on putting your arms around him. He seriously nuzzled your chest after that, and you surprised yourself yet again by not being weirded out by it. Okay, well not by much.

“I'm sorry, John,” Karkat said, his cute voice muffled by his sweater and your hoodie.

“Uh, for what?” you asked, honestly confused.

He pressed his chin into your chest and looked up at you, and you swore you could feel yourself start to blush, though there shouldn't have been a reason for that. “I know you said you're not a homosexual, but I just kind of...need this right now.”

Oh. Right. _That_ gem. Definitely not your finest moment of talking out your ass while you awkwardly dealt with your emotions. The whole thing proved ridiculous after that one time when things got a little heated with...well, did it even matter? It wasn't necessarily true anymore. You were about to clear the air when, _shit_ , what if explaining to Karkat that you might have a thing for guys made him think you were only doing this because you were romantically interested? That was not true. You legitimately wanted to help you friend! And, yeah, the snuggle-hug feeling a bit warm and nice was just a bonus, but this wasn't the kind of thing you should intentionally mess up right now. Karkat was still pretty messed up as it was. You didn't need to fuck him up entirely.

“No, it's fine,” you said in a tone of voice that dripped with an 'I am so not even bothered' attitude. “This is what moirails do, right? This is normal moirail stuff. I'm okay with this.”

And he smiled.

 _Oh god_ , Karkat smiled.

He smiled _directly at you_ and he didn't even try to hide it and why the FUCK were your cheeks burning?! You decided it was best to look away before you actually _did_ fuck this up, and Karkat went back to nuzzling your chest, which felt even better now, _shit! Fuck._ You really were going to mess this up, weren't you?

No, calm down. Just stay calm. There was no reason to think this would go any further than it already had. Moirails felt warm and fuzzy around each other. This wasn't new or weird. It was only new and weird for _you_. You just needed to adjust to it.

It was your turn to share your feelings, but that wasn't going to happen. Honestly, just spending time with someone you could be yourself around, your _new_ self, was all the emotional healing you needed. In a weird twist of irony, being around Karkat and not needing to put on an act sometimes brought out the old you anyway. Your friends had even stopped giving you that “I know something is wrong” look around town.

Karkat was no longer nuzzling you, though he was still snuggled tightly against you. His breathing was slow and rhythmic, and you realized with a smile that he had fallen asleep while cuddling you. You wrapped your arms around him a little tighter to keep him from falling over and rested your chin on his head. Karkat made a soft, comfortable moan and went silent again. Where the hell had this Karkat been during the entire game? Actually, he was probably off with Gamzee somewhere at some point being like this while no one else was aware of it. That thought made you a bit sad, though you didn't quite know why. You buried your nose into his hair. He smelled warm, like a house pet that had spent all day lounging in the sun, and it was comforting. This probably wasn't a moirail thing, but he wasn't in a position to complain anyway. You'd just stay like this until he woke up and wanted to go back, or until your legs fell asleep.

The next couple days were more of the same. Find a nice place to relax, count the animals there, lay down the blankets with Karkat curled up against you to take a nap. You enjoyed it more than you let on. It made you feel really good that he trusted you so completely that he would let down his guard like this, especially out where you both knew wild animals roamed. He not only trusted _you_ not to hurt him, but trusted you to keep him from getting hurt by anything else. That was a big responsibility, and you loved having it.

It was to the point where you didn't even talk much about feelings when you were together. You assumed that maybe moirails were able to make each other feel better just by being together. Karkat certainly seemed more at ease, which was great, but you were honestly starting to feel less okay. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the quickening of your pulse and the burning in your cheeks each time he snuggled up to you. You were grateful for how often he wanted to hold your hand or snuggle because it gave you an excuse to be closer to him, even if it was only under the guise of being his moirail. You still hadn't gotten up the nerve to bring up your feelings. He was just so content with what you already had. You didn't think you could risk ruining that.

The next day you stood at the edge of the town waiting for Karkat to join you on your usual expeditions, but he was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't the kind to sleep in, but you tried his house (hive, whatever) anyway. Of course, he wasn't there. Thoroughly confused, you grabbed Eridan's arm as he was walking past you towards his own hive, set a bit farther away from everyone the others because, as usual, Eridan needed to feel special. (Seriously, he was the last one to have a place to live because he took so long designing the damn thing.) He turned and gave a slight hiss before realizing who you were. Eridan was still a bit of an asshole to everyone in general, but it seemed like Dave had reigned him in and at least told him to lay off of you on account of being his best bro.

He sighed, putting his irritation in check. Somewhat. “Wwhadya wwant?”

“Have you seen Karkat?”

He smirked at you, and you became very much aware that you were still tightly gripping his arm in a rather urgent manner. You let go and tried to make it seem like you weren't so desperate to find Karkat, as though that was even possible.

Eridan chuckled, straightened out his sleeve as though you had severely damaged the fibers, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, I saww him.”

And then silence as he continued his smirk. You sigh in frustration. “Okay, well, where is he?”

“Oh! And here I wwas wworkin' under the assumption that you wwould know wwhere your owwn moirail is,” he said, voice dripping with his usual bitchy snark.

You were not having any of his shit. “Shove it up your ass, Bubbles! Where the fuck is Karkat?”

That caught him off guard and he answered with a slight snarl. “He's at the lab wwith Kanaya and Jade. Noww, fuck off!”

He did an over-the-shoulder scarf flourish that was _painfully_ ridiculous to everyone except him as he stomped off. You could not possibly have rolled your eyes harder. You tried not to judge, but you really didn't understand what Dave saw in the guy.

You headed towards the lab, a little more perturbed than you probably should have been. It was fine if Karkat wanted to help in the lab, you just wish he had _told_ you about it, that's all. All of the hives were separate from the non-residential buildings the group had constructed, but what you all referred to as your town wasn't very large. There weren't very many of you left, after all. The non-residential buildings were things like a cafeteria (easier than sharing food among houses), a medical center (it seemed like a good idea), a building for manufacturing (mostly knitting and sewing at the moment, with some alchemizing), and the lab (research is important yo).

The lab was rather large, but also rather empty. It was easy to find its occupants because they were the only things making sound. You walked into a room full of computers and other science things you didn't care about understanding, and there was Karkat, Jade, and Kanaya working away. Rose watched as she worked on her knitting. She wasn't so much for science; she just liked being near Kanaya.

Jade noticed your presence first and made quite a high pitched squeal as she tackle-hugged you. “Hi, John! Are you here to help us with our research?”

You gave her a warm hug and a smile. “No, I don't want to mess up your progress. I was just coming to talk to Karkat.”

Only then did he come over to acknowledge you. “What do you want, Egbert?”

A little harsh, but not unexpected. You _were_ in town, after all, and he still seemed to be keeping up appearances as Gamzee's moirail, no matter how much that was failing.

“Oh, well, actually, could we talk outside?” you said as you scratched the back of your head out of embarrassment. This was starting to seem a lot weirder than it should have.

Karkat shrugged and lead you out into the hall. You waited for the door to close before turning to face him.

“Hey, uh, are we not going out in the wild today?” you asked.

Karkat squinted an eye at you as thought he was confused. “Is that a problem?”

“What? No, but aren't you counting the beasts still?”

Karkat sighed and leaned his shoulder against the dark gray wall. “Well, I'm not done with the data collection, but Kanaya needs me here for a while. Something to do with the genetics work they're researching. I might be the missing link or some shit? I don't understand it.”

Well, at least it wasn't something you did. “Okay, that's cool. Are we going out tomorrow?”

Back to that confused look. “Did you have something you needed to talk about?”

Now it was your turn to be confused. “No. Does that matter?”

Karkat's eyes flickered around his surroundings momentarily and he leaned in with a lowered voice. “If you don't need a moirail to talk to about something, there's really no need to spend as much time together as we have been.”

“Oh. Right.” Your heart felt a little heavy. “Okay, no problem then. I'll see you around then.”

Karkat quirked a quick smile and gave your hand a squeeze before returning to whatever he was doing with Kanaya and Jade. You sighed, leaned back against the wall, and stared at the ceiling. You guessed you were doing a lot worse at just being a moirail after all, and for a brief moment you found yourself hoping that something would happen to upset Karkat enough to bring him back to you soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being moirails is hard, but being a kismesis is bad for one's health, no matter how sexy it is.

It had been a week already and you didn't know how you were dealing with it. Having no contact entirely would be one thing, but instead what you were getting were random hand squeezes and hugs when Karkat actually happened to run into you. Those fleeting moments of contact were driving you more crazy than not seeing him at all, and you'd begun to avoid the center of town just to avoid him. It wasn't a solution, you knew that, but the alternatives were putting up with the torment or telling Karkat to back off, and neither were good choices.

You were at the end of your rope. Every day since the lab had been filled with aimless flying. The herds of beasts were forgotten; exploring was no longer on your mind. You just shuffled through your own thoughts day after day. There was no denying Karkat meant so much more to you than a moirail was supposed to. You didn't just want to spend time with him, you wanted to go back to those days of cuddling alone in the woods, staring into each other's eyes, and smelling his hair while he slept because why the hell not? It's not like anything else you did wasn't weird anyway. At least as far as human relationships went. Not for the first time, you missed the dynamic of human relationships. Sure, maybe it wouldn't have resulted in such quick cuddling, but at least moving past just cuddling all the time wouldn't be considered weird by human standards. You were seriously starting to resent being forced into being a quadrant occupant like this. How did your friends even deal with romancing trolls? It was driving you _mad!_

That's when you got the stunning, amazing idea to finally go and talk to Dave about all this. You flew back to town as fast as you could, landing lightly on his doorstep. You were nervous. You hadn't told anyone about you and Karkat yet, even though they all seemed to know. Well, knew you were moirails anyway. You took a deep breath to steady your nerves and opened the door. The kitchen was empty (aside from the mess), but you heard someone in the living room.

“Dave? Hey, I need to talk to you it's imporSHIT FUCK!” you shouted as you were assaulted with the view of gray ass cheeks, royal purple lined gills, and then the palms of your own hands because _seriously_ , what the FUCK?

“Dude, that is your fault! Go wait outside!” Dave grunted out, and you were sure as hell not about to argue.

You bolted for the door and slammed it behind you chanting “shit, shit” as you tried to bleach the view from your brain. There are some things a dude should just _not_ see his bro doing, and fucking his troll boyfriend on the couch was _definitely_ at the top of the list! You sat down on the steps and waited. And waited. And FOR FUCK SAKE you waited for like ten fucking minutes, FUCK, before Eridan walked out glaring concentrated death at you while blushing like a virgin on her wedding night. You rushed inside, not wanting to give him even a moment's chance to say anything to you.

“You better wait the fuck right in the kitchen unless you want to see another bare ass,” came a slightly annoyed voice from the living room, and you fucking _stayed_.

A moment later Dave walked in wearing a pair of khakis and no shirt, his hair mussed up and his signature shades off. “Now, what the hell was so important that you forgot how knocking on a fucking door works?”

You couldn't help but start laughing hysterically, which earned you a quirked eyebrow from Dave. The thought of talking to him about your own troll relation problems after walking in on that had just snapped the last bit of sanity you had left.

Once you got your shit back together you groaned as you lowered yourself onto a chair that wasn't covered in broken swords and bullet casings.

“I have troll problems,” you whined as you dropped your forehead onto the table.

“Shit, already? You only started being moirails...what, a couple weeks ago?” Dave asked as he leaned against a counter.

“Dude, I don't want to be moirails,” you moaned into the wood grain. “I think I'm a homosexual.”

Dave smiled and shook his head. “Wow, you finally figured it out, huh?”

“Come on, it's not funny.”

“Did I fucking laugh?” he asked, no longer smiling. “I just can't believe it's taken you this long to realize there's more shit between you than just being friends or leader buddies or moirails or whatever shit you keep writing it off as.”

You tried to figure out what he was talking about, but fuck it, your brain didn't want to work right now. You were in hardcore mope mode and logic and reasoning could kiss your ass. “What? No.”

“Whatever you say, bro,” he sighed. “But I'm not wrong. You have been into Karkat more than you know since the beginning. Denying it won't fix anything.”

He shoved some busted swords onto the floor and took a seat next to you. “It's cool that you've figured it out now, but what are you going to do about it?”

You tilted your head towards him, still resting it on the table. “I dunno, man. That's why I came to talk to you.”

Dave sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know the answer already, John.”

You groaned because you did know. You had to tell him. You shoved yourself up off the table and stood up to leave. “Sorry about barging in. Will he be okay?”

Dave shrugged and leaned back into the chair. “He'll be an uppity bitch for a couple days, but he'll come back.”

“How do you do it? How do you do this quadrants thing? It's making me crazy.”

Another shrug. “It's a lot more flexible than you'd think. You just need to get into one you like, and they've honestly been pretty accommodating about not filling a flushed and a black at the same time to help us deal.”

You shook your head softly. Even the trolls were able to deal with this setup, so what was giving you so much trouble? You shoved your hands in your pockets and turned to leave.

“You'll make it work, Egbert,” Dave said as you walked out the door. “You always do.”

Would you? Fuck if you knew. The sun was only just starting to set, but you'd had enough of this day. You walked down the street to your own house and forced yourself to sleep.

You woke up feeling absolutely miserable about the entire day of monotony that lay ahead of you. You pulled on your god tier hoodie, didn't even bother to put your hair into anything that would resemble groomed, and took flight towards the forests. The day was starting up lazily enough. You supposed you had woken earlier than usual after going to bed so early. The glow from the sun was still soft, and unfortunately the relaxed atmosphere it projected really helped you sink into your brooding. The world, which you usually loved seeing, was sickeningly beautiful in this light. The mountains in the distance that were usually such a deep rust red were almost orange now, and the stretch of purple ocean you could see was slightly magenta in hue. No one had even gone to explore that far off yet, well, that wasn't entirely true. Aradia had set out just a couple weeks ago to do some geological studies, but no one had attempted to scour the oceans yet (and by “no one” you meant “Eridan”).

You were heading to make a pass over the lake you had found Karkat at what seemed like months ago when you noticed something very small flying upwards out of the corner of your eye. After a quick spin you realized it was a rock, and you dove after it to find out how the hell it had gotten up there. You were nearly to the tree tops when you found the source of it. Karkat was waving up at you from the treeline. Your stomach knotted instantly, but you came down to see him despite it.

He ran over and hugged you, and you put an arm around him for a moment. “I made it out of the lab. Kanaya's got some serious research brewing.”

“Oh, that's cool.” You could barely even work up the enthusiasm, and it pained you even worse to be putting on the same old act for the one person you thought didn't need to see it.

“It's actually pretty crazy stuff,” Karkat said as he sat on a fallen log. “I don't really know what to think about it. Mostly because I don't really fucking understand it, but being some sort of connection between trolls and humans is kind of a heavy burden.”

“Hmm.” And now you were barely even listening as you sat down beside him, staring off at the lake.

“It's uncomfortable, but I guess if it helps you humans from dying off, it's worth it,” he turned to look at you, a slight grin playing across his face. “Right?”

And, fuck it, you couldn't take it. You reached out and put a hand on his cheek. His eyes flickered with confusion for an instant before your lips were pressed against his, his small pointed teeth poked ever so slightly at your bottom lip as he was caught completely off guard. You released him and leaned your forehead against his and panted, feeling your heart beat in your throat.

“Karkat, I-I think I love you,” you stammered out because fuck subtlety, who needed that guy?

A squeak escaped Karkat and your stomach double-knotted as you waited for a response. And then you get one. He leaned back and his fist connected with your jaw. You were knocked off the log and on your ass, pressing your hand into your bruised skin.

“What the fuck was that for?” you shouted before you realized how inconsiderate that was.

Suddenly, your hoodie was wadded up in his grip, and his snarling face inches from yours. “What the fuck was that for? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?”

You stareed, open-mouthed, unable to register this was happening.

“What the fuck do you THINK it was for, you nooksniffing piece of SHIT?” he shouted with the same rage-filled intensity he had in the game. “I fucking TRUSTED you! You are...WERE my moirail! And you pull THIS shit? I've told you things I would NEVER tell a matesprit, and you think I'll just flush for you because you LOVE me?”

He made it sound like the most ridiculous idea in existence. You didn't understand. “But, human boyfriends tell each other all kinds of things. It wouldn't really be that much of a difference.”

He growls at you. “We are NOT. HUMAN. BOYFRIENDS. And we do NOT act like them!”

You looked into his eyes and saw nothing but anger, and you were hurt. You were incredibly hurt. He wasn't the only one who had trusted someone, you were _so sick_ of having your own wants brushed aside because of troll quadrants, and you were not going to take this shit anymore.

“Get. Your fucking hands. Off of me,” you hissed as you felt the wind whip around you body to push him on his ass, pinning him to the ground.

His eyes flew open in surprise for an instant as he tried to sit up, then narrowed into something that seemed like anger. You stood up and towered over him, releasing your windy grip on him. “You are not the only one who is dealing with this situation, and you are not going to be the only one who gets to decide what happens.”

He was on his feet in an instant and lunged at you, knocking you back down into the sand. Cold granules sifted into your shirt and scratched your back as he held you down. You tried to push yourself back up again, but he sat on your chest, hoodie bunched up in his grasp again as he used his free arm to land another punch, and another. You yelled in anger as you headbutted him, and he let go of your shirt to grip his forehead before pinning you down by your throat. And then his lips were on yours, and his teeth were tearing at your mouth as his tongue slid against yours, and oh holy fuck you'd landed yourself in the black quadrant. You did _not_ want to be in the black quadrant. But you couldn't deny that his tongue felt so good as it worked its way around your mouth. You were surprised to find that troll tongues were tougher than a human's, and the bumps and ridges that covered it made it feel so much better than any of your less awkward kisses with Rose had. You swirled your own tongue around his, sucking on it gently until it ended up closer to your throat than you would have liked because apparently troll tongues were longer too.

The hand around your neck was tightening slowly, the tips of his nails just starting to make pinpricks in your skin. You groaned softly as his mouth disengaged from yours, that long tongue licking the blood from your injured lips. It was becoming more painful to breathe, and you placed a hand around his as a sign to let up. A harsh chuckle drew your eyes upward, and in that moment you found a painful truth.

He was never going to stop.

Black quadrant.

Karkat hated you.

Tears stung the corners of your eyes. Could you blame him? You had hurt him so badly. You certainly deserved his anger, possibly even his hatred. In a way, you should probably even consider yourself lucky that he had landed on hating you so much that he wanted to have bloody makeouts with you rather than just wanting to kill you. At least makeouts were something you could enjoy.

You really couldn't breathe now. You grit your teeth and pulled at his hand, but it was not budging and he smiled wickedly at your attempts. Okay, maybe he _had_ decided to murder you after all.

No, fuck it. If he wanted to go blackrom, you would _give_ him blackrom.

You kneed him in the back and his grip loosened instantly; the pain plastered on his face filling you with a righteous vengeance. Karkat snarled and grabbed a handful of your hair as he yanked your head back, ran his tongue up the length of your neck, and sunk his teeth in at the edge of your jaw. You hissed in pain--but damn if there wasn't some pleasure in there—before grabbing him by one of his dumb little horn nubs and forcing his head away from yours. He growled softly as he stared at you, barely even trying to resist. For a second you _swore_ you saw sadness in those eyes before he lunged at you again and you planted a left hook right on his jaw. He squealed in pain, inching down your torso until he was resting on your thighs, far enough away to avoid your fists.

With your moment's respite you ran over what you remembered about kismeses. There was something about equality with them, so that was good at least. Equally strong? Equally fearsome, more likely. Your brain blanked as he shoved your shirt and hoodie up, raking his claws over your chest in the process. Fearsome equals, okay, and that was attractive somehow and OH FUCK who the hell had told Karkat about nipples?! At least he had enough sense not to bite them clean off, but his puppy-dog sharp teeth were easily teasing them to stiffness and you arched your back with a gasp in spite of yourself. That was apparently a _very bad thing_ to do if the gleam in his eye was any indication. Your wrists were pinned next to your head before you could even react, and he leaned over you, long tongue dripping droplets of saliva over your chest and neck as you shied away from the teeth approaching your ear.

Somewhere from the back of your fear-addled mind came the realization that your pants felt really warm and moist. You strained your head to the side to find that Karkat's jeans were _soaked_ with god only knew what, but it was lubricating the hell out of everything and now every movement was making your dick twitch as it rubbed against your clothes. You were half hard and in a panic by the time his tiny fangs were nibbling the flesh off of your earlobe. It felt good; you couldn't even deny it. Everything felt good. You body wanted so much more, and you were having serious difficulty adjusting to how quickly you were needing more, and then he was rocking his hips against yours and what the FUCK was wiggling around in his pants?!

Your panic must have shown in your face because Karkat was laughing as that deliciously rough tongue plunged into your ear and FUCK, it was still just as warm and wet as any human tongue and how could you help but whimper? Karkat's...fuck, what did they call it? Bulge? Oh who the FUCK even cared?! Karkat's dick was pressing up against yours, which was now straining against your pants, begging for direct contact. Suddenly one of your wrists was free as Karkat reached down and unzipped his jeans, allowing whatever weird fucking alien dick he had going on to squirm over your stomach and attempt to penetrate your belly button. His hand was on your own pants. You felt the fabric loosen as your dick strained against the thin layer of underwear keeping it from the pleasure it sorely wanted to feel, and you had HAD IT.

You grabbed Karkat's neck with your free hand and forced his face to yours, biting his bottom lip as hard as your pathetic human teeth possibly could, managing to draw blood. He squealed with what you assumed was pain, but the intensity that flared in his eyes gave a different answer. He sunk his tongue into your mouth as you probed yours into his, running it over his teeth because you did not give a shit if you got cut. He pulled back and nibbled on your lower lip as you released his neck and dug your thumbnail into the base of a horn. His entire body stiffened and he _wailed_ before wrenching your head back and tearing the neck of your hoodie as he pulled it away to sink his teeth into your shoulder. The burst of pain shocked you so hard that your entire body jumped and whatever weird tentacle appendage Karkat had down there had found the tip of your dick peeking out of your underwear and wrapped around it. You cried out as pain and pleasure became completely indistinguishable, bucking your hips as best you could up into the slick coil of Karkat's wriggling bulge (ok, fine, 'dick' was _not_ applicable).

His jaws loosened on your shoulder, as did the grip on your wrist, as he warbled and panted incredibly hot breath against your neck, grinding his hips downwards into yours. You were completely unable to move now and yelled in frustration as the squirming mass around your cock just teased you until you ached. You cried out with frustration as you grabbed at the wind and forced Karkat's body off of yours. Ripped out of his own revery, he squeaked in surprise before roaring with anger and attempting to dominate you again. You forced him to the ground, sand blowing out around him, as he strained against your control of the wind. You finally had a chance to see Karkat's bulge as the thick-but-tapered red thing squirmed over the troll's stomach, and it was so weird yet incredibly enticing at the same time.

Now it was your turn to lunge. You grabbed a fistful of wiry hair as you straddled his legs, his bulge immediately wrapping around you again. You moaned as he keened, and began thrusting into the slippery whorl squeezing your dick. Karkat's back arched as he grasped at your arms and shoulders, scratching the hell out of them but you didn't even care. You rolled your hips faster as you leaned down to bite as Karkat's ear, earning you a high pitched moan as his bulge gripped tighter around your cock and your breath came ragged and fuck, FUCK, you completely lost it, thrusting raggedly as you came over his chest. Karkat whimpered at his own lack of relief, and you reached down to where Dave had told you a troll's nook was (a conversation you had NOT enjoyed). Your fingers has barely even touched the outside when Karkat's whole body stiffened and he wailed as though he were being stabbed, genetic material (yes, you _did_ know that word) gushing out over your hand and dick.

His arms fell to his side as he panted, eyes closed and looking so relaxed. For a moment you could almost imagine that this _was_ normal boyfriend stuff: have a fight, get a little physical, get a _lot_ physical, have awesome make-up sex. Then his eyes shot open and he glared at you.

“Get the fuck off of me,” he said threateningly, though you doubt he could have done anything with how out of breath he was.

So much for your fantasies of make-up sex. You balled up a fist and punched him in the arm, pissed off at the way he had hurt you and pissed off at how he was willing to fuck you so long as he didn't have to love you. You zipped up your pants and took to the skies, completely ignoring the moment of hurt that bubbled up in his eyes as you left him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A best bro is the best medicine for traumatic heartbreak.

The sunlight was fiercely pouring through your bedroom window, trying it's damnedest to get you up. You groaned and rolled over, pulling your blanket over your head. Fuck the sun and fuck getting up. It wasn't as though you had anything important to do today. Your eyes felt dry and still stung from hours of crying alone in the dark. You were so sick of crying. The previous day kept flashing through your mind. You loved him and he hated you, and yet you fucked him greedily. You _fucked him_ and he _hated you._ Shit! Why had you fucked things up so badly? You had _told_ yourself not to fuck this up! You felt so empty, like all of your emotion had just poured out of you in that painful, chaotic moment and left you feeling weirdly hollow and cold. It was uncomfortable. It made your skin crawl. Oh god, you felt so wrong, so dirty. You slid out from under the blanket, pulling off your socks. You had only bothered to take your shoes off before forcing yourself to sleep, and your clothes felt greasy from your dried sweat. Your hoodie was a slightly tattered wreck, and you could feel the awkward mess that had dried in your pants. It made you want to vomit. You pulled off your hoodie as you trudged over to your bathroom, throwing it on the floor. Only then did you notice the bloody patches on it, and it made your stomach churn.

You switched on the bathroom light, shielding your eyes for a moment as they adjusted to the stark bright white of the room. Without even thinking, you stopped to check yourself in the mirror and oh god, OH GOD, your lips were shredded and scabbed, dried blood caked all around them. Your jaw, cheek, and eye were swollen blue and yellow. Your ear and neck were bruised, your shoulder was a bloody purple and blue mess, your arms and chest looked like they had been assaulted by a particularly perturbed cat. Your body was flooded with sheer disgust and disappointment, and you dropped to your knees by the toilet as you vomited up nothing but stinging bile. What the hell had you done? What the hell was _wrong_ with you? You _loved_ him, and look what you let him _do_ to you. You could have easily used your control of the wind to push him away, _easily_! But you didn't, and look what he did, and WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH YOU?!

You turned the shower on hot 'til the whole room was filled with steam before stepping in and leaning your back against the cool tile. Your hair hung limply in your face. Your glasses, which you had forgotten to remove before falling asleep, were completely fogged up and you tore them off your face and tossed them out the door of the shower stall. Wearing glasses made dealing with crying more difficult. You pressed the heels of your palms into your eyes, and cried out as you pressed into the swollen skin you had already forgotten about. You cried (not entirely from the pain) as you grabbed a bar of soap off of a small shelf and slid to the shower floor, staring at your hands for a moment as though the bubbly blue thing you held would tell you the answers to all of your problems if you just gave it enough time.

You wanted to be clean, but you didn't want to touch yourself. You sat there with those two thoughts warring in your mind for what felt like an eternity before you made a compromise of sorts and started scrubbing your feet. They hadn't been touched. You scrubbed at them for five minutes. Your feet were officially cleaner than they had ever been before. It was only then that you realized you hadn't taken your pants off before getting in the shower. You cringed as you slowly peeled away the soaking wet layers of cloth, and choked back a sudden sob as realized that even your dick had not escaped becoming a little bruised. You pulled your knees to your chest and cried. You had been so focused on reaching orgasm that you hadn't even cared that Karkat's bulge might have been squeezing you too hard. You had just wanted to be close to him. Was that so bad? Was it wrong to want to be with the person you love? To have them wrapped around you and, oh fuck it, who were you trying to kid? Letting someone hatefuck you after they dumped you was stupid no matter what kind of spin you put on it, and you were an idiot for letting it happen.

You took a deep, steadying breath and continued scrubbing your skin. The dried blood around your numerous scratch and bite marks turned the water a pale red. Red blood. Just like Karkat's--oh COME ON! You were not going to let yourself wax poetic about your poor unrequited love because you were reminded of his BLOOD COLOR. How fucked up were you anyway?! You groaned in frustration at yourself and scrubbed harder, hoping the pain of your stinging injuries would give you a little focus.

By the time you were done cleaning up the water had gone completely cold and every surface in the bathroom was wet from the steam that still filled the room. You somehow managed to find your glasses on the rug outside the shower and place them back on your face, not that they were helping you see right now. You opened the bathroom window a crack to let the steam out and shivered as the cooler air rushed in. In a couple of minutes the mirror was clear enough to be useable, and you gave yourself another studying look. Well, you were somewhat more presentable now. You still looked like you had fought a feral cat and lost, but at least you didn't look like a victim of attempted murder anymore. You left your soaking clothes laying on the bathroom floor. You were about to pull your hoodie back on when you remembered about the blood stains and tears. You threw it into the small bathroom trashcan with a sigh. Thankfully you had a second one, but you were going to have to ask Rose to make you a new back-up hoodie.

You grabbed it from the pile of clean clothes by your dresser and pulled it over your head, completely forgetting about your bruised up eye and jaw again until the neck of the hoodie brushed against it. After pulling on underwear, socks, and shorts, you shoved your hands in your pockets and trudged downstairs. It was days like these when you missed television. Sollux had become the master of alchemizing electronics while Equius had use his mastery of machinery to set up all of the utilities. You guys would have been so screwed without either of them, but instead you were living fairly cushy lives. There still weren't any TV shows to watch though. DVDs only, not that that was an issue with you. Unfortunately, your collection was not particularly suited for your current mood. You finally settled on Armageddon; a movie about the end of the world seems like a good enough choice.

You ended up not even paying attention to it, opting to curl up in a ball with a blanket on the corner of your couch. Your “end-of-the-world” mood made you forget about the ridiculous love story in the movie, and you were eventually forced to mute it to keep yourself from crying. The day was wearing on and it was just starting to grow dark. You didn't want to move, but you didn't want to watch the DVD menu, so you started the movie again, still muted, and rolled over to face the back of the couch to avoid the light from the screen.

You were dozing off when there was a knock at your door. You looked over your shoulder at it, wondering if you had dreamed the sound, when it happened again. You rolled off of the couch with a groan and stomped over to the door, turning on a small lamp so you wouldn't trip over anything. You opened the door to find Dave on your doorstep sans-glasses. Something serious was clearly up. 

Dave whistled and leaned against the door frame. “Moirail to kismesis. You don't do anything halfway, do ya Egbert?”

You closed the door and slumped back down onto the couch, curling up on your side. Dave opened the door back up and walked right in.

“Protip, locking the door is the best way to keep people from walking through it,” he said as he locked it behind him and headed towards the kitchen.

“Why are you here?” you whined at him from the couch. 

“Why do you think?” he asked, holding up a hand knit market bag full of food for a moment before completely disappearing into the kitchen.

You groaned as loud as humanly possible. “Tell Rose to keep her seer abilities to herself! I don't need any pity.” 

“You do need food though,” he replied, coming back into the living room. “And you don't need to be watching this shit.” 

He turned off the TV. You looked up at him pitifully from where you laid on the couch. “I was watching that.” 

“Don't lie. I'm making dinner. You helping or not?” 

You grimaced. “You don't know how to cook.” 

“Bullshit,” he shot back and literally dragged you into the kitchen because fuck walking, that guy was an asshole. 

You hugged your knees to your chest on the kitchen floor, not even having to try to look like the most amount of pathetic a person had ever looked, and watched as Dave unpacked the bag he had brought. 

“Jade just brought in a harvest of pumpkins, so you're getting soup,” he said, breaking out a shitty sword to slice the pumpkin up with. You giggled in spite of yourself. 

“Since when do you cook?” you asked. You were mesmerized by the fact that he did, in fact, seem to know what the hell he was doing as he put a pot of water on to boil. 

“Some of us have prissy boyfriends who like to be treated like royalty every once in a while,” he said with a smirk in your direction. You giggled again. His face became serious. “And the rest of the time Eridan and I cook together to spend time with each other.” 

Your giggle ended abruptly and you buried your face in your arms. “Why can't I have a troll relationship like you do?” 

Dave sighed as he poured the pumpkin chunks into the water, reducing the heat to simmer. “I don't know, man. I had always assumed I would be the one fucking things up in a relationship.” 

You lifted his head to watch as Dave sautéed onions, garlic and other herbs in a pan with butter.

“You're the friendleader now,” you whispered, your heart suddenly heavy. 

Dave shook his head. “Don't want that title, bro.” 

You sat in silence for quite a while, listening to the sounds of water bubbling and butter sizzling as the enticing smells of garlic and pumpkin filled the room. Suddenly Dave was shaking your shoulder. Apparently you had dozed off. He was holding some weird looking spatula type of thing. 

“Want to help me mash the shit out of a bunch of pumpkin?” he said with a smile. You fucking loved how he always knew exactly the right thing to say.

Five minutes later you had both managed to completely smash the hell out of the softened pumpkin chunks, and Dave was mixing it back into the pot with the onion, garlic, herbs, a few extra spices, and cream to thicken it. He forced you into a chair at the table and brought you a piping hot bowl of soup, then grabbed the blanket you had been cuddling with on the couch and wrapped it around your shoulders. He sat down across from you and ran a hand through his hair as he leaned back in the chair. The whole room was warm and smelled of delicious spices, but you could hardly stomach eating. Dave watched intently as you ate, making sure you swallowed at least a few spoonfuls. The silence was suffocating. You knew Dave wanted you to talk to him, but you also knew he wouldn't force it. He was the best bro a guy could ask for. 

“Are you going to feed yourself, or do I need to come back twice a day to force feed you?” he said after a while. You had stopped eating your soup in favor of resting your head on the table and fighting back tears as the wonderful warmth in your stomach contrasted with the cold hollowness you had been feeling all day.

“Dave,” you gasped out, “I don't think I can fix this. I just wanted to be with him, and he said moirails don't work that way, and we had a fight, but he thought it was hate-love or something, and it was terrible, but it was just what I wanted, wasn't it? But it hurt. It hurt so much.” The tears were flowing. “But it felt so good. I don't know what's wrong with me.” You were gasping for breath, the one thing you were supposed to have control of. “I don't understand why his quadrants should be more important than what I feel. I just wanted to be with him. I just...not like _this._ I can't. I just love him so much.”

Sobs wracked your body as Dave picked you up and carried you to the couch, setting you on his lap. You cried into his shirt as he put his arms around you and smoothed your hair in an attempt to soothe you. He rocked you lightly, and you were so thankful to have him as a friend, and felt so terrible about him being stuck with such an awful person as you for a friend. You didn't deserve so much kindness, just like you didn't deserve Karkat's affection. You didn't know why your friends were giving so much of a shit about you, all you knew was that you wanted to crawl into a hole, curl yourself up into the tiniest ball imaginable, and die.

It was pitch black outside by the time you had completely calmed down. Your cheeks were caked with dried tears, your eyes stung, your lips were dry. You gnawed on your thumb absentmindedly as you listened to Dave's heartbeat, not a single thought or feeling piercing the outermost reaches of your mind. Everything was muffled and numb, uncomfortable in a way that made you want to want to wriggle into a dark, confined area and shiver until your skin went numb. It was wonderful and you never wanted it to stop. 

Dave lifted you off of his lap and you wordlessly protested. He pulled your hand away from your mouth and ruffled your hair.

“I have to be getting back home before a certain dipshit prince starts getting jealous,” he said with a soft smile. “Do you need me to come back and check on you tomorrow?”

You stared at him open-mouthed for a moment before shaking your head.

“No,” you said, voice completely hollow. “I just need some time.”

He put a hand on your shoulder and squeezed as he shook you softly. “It'll take time. Trolls can be a handful. I know you'll make it work.”

You could fear tears welling up again. “Dave, I--”

“No,” he said, and his hand tightened. You looked up into his eyes. “You will make it work because I made it work, and you're a helluva lot nicer person to be around than I am.” 

You stared at him in confusion for a moment. “You really love Eridan, don't you?”

He smiled sheepishly, something you'd never seen him do before. “I really do.”

He walked into the kitchen and you could hear the sounds of him putting the leftover soup away. He had Rose's bag in hand when he came back out into the living room. You watched him as he paused just before he reached the front door. “John, go to bed. You need some rest.”

You whined and shook your head, all of the crying and ragged breathing you had done was interfering with many of your higher mental faculties.

“I'm not kidding, John. Get your ass upstairs. I'm not moving until you do.”

You groaned as you stood and stumbled up the stairs. Walking was incredibly difficult when your head felt this light and empty, like it was full of cotton and fluff. You were only just out of sight in the hall when you heard the front door open and Dave utter the words “what the fuck do you want”. You froze instantly, pressing yourself flat against the wall. Your eyes burned, attempting to dredge up tears that just didn't exist as you heard “get the fuck out of my way, I'm here to see Egbert” in response. Your knees buckled and you huddled against the wall, knees gripped tightly against your chest as you tried in vain to stop shaking.

“Seems a little late to be visiting your moirail, Vantas,” Dave said, and you flinched and buried your face in your hands. “Unless that's not who you're visiting.” 

Silence. Knowing Karkat, there was probably a growl you couldn't hear in actuality.

“Yeah, I'm visiting my _moirail._ ” The sneering way he said it made you whimper. “So MOVE.” 

Dave laughed. “Oh, Karkat. Don't you think I know a troll who's looking for a piece of ass when I see one?” Some sort of strangled grunt. “The correct answer is: I see that exact fucking scene at least twice a day, so don't pretend like you're here looking for an emotional cuddle when I know damn well you're here to beat the fuck out of John with your misguided hate-sex again.” 

Dave was seething, and you were _so_ glad he was here so you didn't have to be the one at the door.

“What the fuck did he tell you?” came Karkat's menacing voice.

“Oh, the usual. Boy falls in love, boy confesses love, boy gets hate-fucked by the one he loves, boy has psychotic break.” You could just imagine the nonchalant shrug Dave would be throwing in for effect. “A story as old as fucking time itself, really.”

An audible growl. “He fucking WOULD go crying to his girlfriend with his shitty sob story about how he's such a damaged little princess because the big, scary fucking troll attacked him! I've got a fucking story for you, fish-fucker, your precious fucking bro took a shit on everything it means to be a moirail when I trusted him and needed him the most, and anything that occurred because of that is something he fucking brought on himself.”

Your chest hurt. It was so empty that it was collapsing in on itself and squeezing your heart into nothingness and it _hurt_ , oh fucking god it hurt SO MUCH to breathe. You rolled forward onto your knees, pressing your forehead into the floor, and gasped for a steady breath.

Dave sighed loudly. “You know, Karkat? I'm really getting sick of your shit, and I'm especially getting sick of this ridiculous fucking pity-party you're attempting to forcibly invite everyone to. This isn't middle school, okay? And you are not the first person to ever experience loss. So just because your former-BFF got a little crazy and can't put up with your shit anymore doesn't give you the right to go psychotic and dump it on someone else.”

A snarl. “You have NO IDEA what the FUCK you're talking about!”

“Oh, don't I? Seeing as how a red-blooded little shit just broke whatever grip on reality my best bro had left, I really fucking think that I DO, in fact, know EXACTLY what the fuck I'm talking about!”

A brief moment of silence. “What?” 

“I didn't fucking stutter.”

“What do you mean he's 'broken'?”

Dave laughed in earnest. “Wow, a kismesis who cares? That's rich.” A strangled cry, perhaps Dave had grabbed Karkat's shirt? “Get the fuck out of here, and don't ever let me catch you stalking John again.” 

Another shout, quieter this time, and the door finally shut. You curled in on yourself in the hallway breathing heavily, but steadily. Karkat really had sounded almost concerned. You barked out an empty laugh before settling back into quiet numbness. Dave was right, you did need rest. You picked yourself up off the floor and plodded off to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackrom, round 2. Ready? Fight!

You awoke at midday with a headache that made your head legitimately feel like it was made of lead and snails. Your eyeballs felt swollen in their sockets, and your sinuses were a wreck. In that moment you knew the only truth in the world: crying SUCKED. You were physically miserable, but remembered you had soup waiting in your fridge to help with that. You sat up in bed, looking around dully. A weird sound buzzed at the back of your consciousness, slowly coming into focus as your brain woke up bit by bit. You climbed out of bed and, look at that, you had slept in your clothes again. They were wrinkled and smelled of sweat, but you weren't going anywhere today so what the hell did you care? That noise was trying to force its way into your awareness again, more of a ringing this time. You groaned as you stumbled into the bathroom to blow your nose, giving your sinuses some room to chill the fuck out in. That fucking sound again, like a chime this time. You trudged back into your bedroom, deciding to change your socks so you didn't feel like a total lazy piece of shit. The first pair you grabbed out of the drawer was mismatched, but you weren't not-lazy enough to care so you were going mismatched today. That sound, that fucking sound! A patterned chime, what the hell?! You realized it was coming from your desk, immediately next to your dresser. Fuck, that's where you kept your laptop. FUCK, that was pesterchum's chime.

You sat down in your desk chair with a loud sigh and opened your laptop, the fan whirring up loudly as it came out of sleep mode. Sure enough, pesterchum was freaking out at you. Dave wanted to make sure you ate some soup, you let him know you would. Kanaya wanted to know what the animal herds had been looking like, you let her know you'd get a report to her soon. You were just about to close the lid when a third chat popped up in a distinctive gray text. You tensed for a moment, considering slamming the laptop shut and walking away, but a morbid curiosity kept you rooted.

CG: JOHN.

CG: JOHN DON'T IGNORE ME.

CG: SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

CG: I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING HERE ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER OR WHAT?

You sneered at the screen, always a fucking charmer wasn't he?

CG: IF YOU DON'T FUCKING ANSWER ME I WILL BE FORCED TO GO OVER TO YOUR HIVE AND CAUSE A RIDICULOUS SCENE LIKE WE'VE BEEN PULLED INTO SOME SHITTY ROMCOM AND YOU'RE THE LOVE-CRAZED BITCH WHO REFUSES TO COOPERATE BECAUSE BEING CONTRARY FUELS YOUR BULLSHIT INDEPENDENCE EVEN THOUGH YOU REALLY JUST WANT TO BEG ME FOR FORGIVENESS AND HAVE SLOPPY MAKEOUTS.

You wouldn't be surprised if everyone in town had heard your frustrated cry as you immediately blocked him and slammed your laptop shut. Fully awake and FULLY pissed, you stomped down to the kitchen to reheat some soup, hoping that would calm you down. It did, even though you were only in the middle of reheating some on the stove. Just remembering everything Dave had done for you yesterday was enough to calm you down enough to function normally. You decided you should thank him for it, and even Rose for sending him over. The moment the soup was warm enough, you poured it in a bowl and took it upstairs to your laptop. You'd say thanks in person, but you still weren't leaving your house yet. Rose wasn't currently on pesterchum, but she'd see the message when she next logged on. Dave was on, but seemed a bit preoccupied with something offline. You could only imagine what that could be (eyeroll eyeroll eyeroll Eridan). He told you he didn't need any thanks, that he just wanted to see you doing better, and you smiled at both the warmness of the soup and the awesomeness of your friendship. You asked Dave if he would be willing to come over more often to hopefully teach you a few things about cooking, which he was totally cool with. You learned that, while you had been busy dealing with your own shit after the game, Dave had been spending a lot of time working on his cooking abilities (of with he had very little to begin with). He had even been making meals in the cafeteria in town to share with everyone else. You felt a twinge of guilt for not knowing knowing something that awesome about your best bro, but he assured you that it was more important that you focused on your own shit. 

You had finished your soup and were about to curl up on your bed with your laptop and a DVD when a small rock tapped off of the window immediately to your left. You had seen enough movies to know what that meant, but your brain refused to believe it was actually happening and you stayed glued to your chair. Another rock, larger this time, tapped off the window, and you figured you should probably get up before the rock thing escalated too far. You opened up the window and leaned out and oh FUCKING SHIT, Karkat was standing below your window. You let out an incredibly loud groan and moved to shut the window. 

“GODDAMN IT, EGBERT, WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND,” he shouted at you, sounding completely furious. 

You let out a bored sigh and leaned against the windowsill. “What do you want?” 

The troll seemed shocked, perhaps he didn't think you would actually stop to talk to him? His voice was quieter when he said, “I want to talk to you.” 

“Well, we're talking, aren't we?” you grumbled back at him. 

He growled. “Fuck you, Egbert. Let me in already.”

Your pulse quickened. It sent an overpowering heat to your head, filling you with confidence you didn't even know you had. “Fuck off, Karkat. Find someone else to give a shit about your problems.”

You closed the window and sat back down in your chair feeling quite proud of yourself. You could hear Karkat yelling angrily outside your window, but could not decipher what he was saying through your gloriously closed window. You were grinning to yourself in victory when pesterchum went off again and WHAT THE FUCK GRAY TEXT?! How the HELL were the trolls always able to get around being blocked? It made no sense!

CG: JOHN YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKSNIFFING PIECE OF SHIT. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Oh fuck, you were so pissed. SO PISSED! You knocked your forehead against your desk a few times before typing back “NO” and “FUCK OFF”.

CG: REAL FUCKING MATURE JOHN. I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN YOUR ROOM BLUBBERING LIKE A LITTLE WIGGLER BECAUSE OF YOUR HUMAN LOVE SHIT. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO OBJECT TO WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY. IN FACT, I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU BEING THE ONE TO FINISH THE JOB.

Oh god you were going to vomit. You ran to the bathroom just in time for your stomach to empty itself of all the soup you had just eaten. You choked back a sob as you ran a hand through your hair. You rinsed your mouth out before returning to your laptop, finding even more messages Karkat had left.

CG: SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU LEADING ME ON THROUGH ALL THE QUADRANTS IN EXISTENCE AND STILL MANAGING TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM LIKE THE VICTIM HERE?

CG: AND WHAT THE SHIT DID DAVE MEAN BY YOU BEING 'BROKEN'? THAT IS SUCH A PILE OF HOOFBEAST SHIT I COULD CHOKE ON IT. YOU SEEMED JUST FUCKING FINE WHEN YOU WERE PUNCHING AND BITING ME.

You grit your teeth until they hurt as tears welled up in your eyes, and you typed back, “I SWEAR TO GOD GO THE FUCK AWAY”.

CG: I'M NOT LEAVING JOHN SO YOU MAY AS WELL LET ME IN SO WE CAN TALK THIS SHIT OVER.

CG: I KNOW YOU LIKED IT AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL YOU'RE SO MESSED UP OVER IT.

Holy shit, you were DONE. You were BEYOND done! You slammed the laptop shut as you picked it up, stomped to the window, pushed it open as far as it would go, and threw the device at his feet. Pieces of it smashed off in all directions, and Karkat jumped back to avoid the shrapnel. He looked up at you, halfway through shouting “WHAT THE FUCK”, when he saw you breathing heavily, tears running down your cheeks, and he stared at you open-mouthed.

“Go. Away,” you choked out through gritted teeth. “Go the FUCK AWAY! Do NOT try to talk to me! Do NOT try to figure out what's wrong! You're too...FUCKING STUPID to grasp human emotion, so don't even fucking TRY. Just leave me ALONE!”

You stared at him, waiting for him to leave. You would not move until you knew he was gone. He stared at you for a moment longer, mouth still open. A flicker of concern played across his face as he clenched his jaw and turned to walk away.

You slammed the window shut and slumped down below it, crying in earnest even though you had already figured out crying SUCKED.

Unfortunately, your little shouting match had earned you some attention, and it seemed like everyone in town wanted to knock on your door to see what was wrong. You really, really did not want to talk to any of them. You didn't want to explain the situation. You didn't want to tell them about your failed love affair, the hate-sex you _had_ enjoyed even though you had _never_ really wanted it. And you especially didn't want to tell them about how even though Karkat was tearing your heart to shreds every chance he could, you still loved the hell out of him. You didn't want anyone to know how completely beyond repair you were at this point.

You were perfectly content with sitting in your room rocking softly and ignoring the people at your door, until you heard Dave's voice downstairs. Fuck, you forgot that he knew where you kept your spare key. It's not even like you _needed_ to lock your door. Who was going to steal from you, your friends? The fact that they would probably do that just to mess with you aside, you all kept your doors locked mostly out of habit, but partially because privacy could be an issue if you didn't.

You knew Dave had only the maximum amount of bro love for you, but your brain was a jumbled mess. You were too ashamed to let him see you like that. There was no way to make him leave, you already knew he wouldn't, and your friends weren't going to stop leaving you alone. They knew you were hiding out in your house; there was no way they wouldn't come to check on you. You had to get out. You had to get out and fly off somewhere, and then no one could find you to try and fix you.

You threw open the window above you and squeezed through, flying off through the town as fast as the wind would carry you. It was early evening by now, and the air was turning colder. You wished you had fallen asleep in long pants rather than shorts, but you continued on, wanting to get far enough from the town where maybe no one would follow you. The cold was too much though, and you landed just outside a lush forest. You recognized it. It was the forest that had the meadow towards the center that you and Karkat had spent time in. You sighed as you headed in towards the meadow.

The forest was rather dark at this time of day. Thankfully, it appeared as though all of the animals that had been hanging around there recently had already moved on. You shoved your hands into your pockets and trudged on, just wanting to be somewhere familiar. The break in the trees was just in view when you cried out in pain. You had stepped on a rather sharp fallen branch and suddenly remembered that you weren't wearing shoes. What a mess you were. You trudged into the meadow and plopped down in the soft grass. It was peaceful, and you were so thankful for that. You laid back and stared up at the sky. Sunsets worked the same way on this planet as they had on Earth. The colors were identical, but against a scenery of yellow, navy, and sea foam, it was a breathtaking sight. The upper reaches of the sky already had stars shining through. This night sky here was thick with them. You had often wondered if Earth's night sky would have looked that way if all of the lights were turned off.

The sky could only distract you for so long. You wondered if Dave would still be at your place when you eventually went back. You briefly wondered if you could survive a night outside with no blanket, but quickly threw that idea out. You weren't _that_ crazy yet. Just really, really close to it. You groaned and scrubbed your hands over your scalp. You really needed to snap out of this. Things were bad, absolutely, but you needed to stop being in such a deep funk about it. You should just start with avoiding Karkat for a while (if he even made that possible), go back to doing your normal daily activities, and somehow everything would go back to being okay...right? Of course, it had to! You groaned again and curled up into a ball. You were enjoying a moment of having a mind completely devoid of thoughts when you heard a rustle and bolted upright. You REALLY should have looked around better for any wildlife. You had no idea how you were going to defend yourself. You were so fucked! This! This right here is the reason why you needed to get the fuck over yourself already!

The rustling was louder this time and you scrambled to your feet, slowly backing up from the direction it was coming from. Your brain had just registered the option of flying away when two nubby horns and bright yellow eyes burst out from the brush, and you cursed your lack of luck. You would have flown off right then except he was holding up his hands as he approached you slowly, as though _you_ were the wild animal. You noticed he was panting, and wondered if he had actually run after you. He must be _really_ desperate to talk to you. He was just about to you when you flinched back instinctively, making him stop where he was. He almost looked sad, the bastard.

“John,” he murmured.

Your head was buzzing, but for all the thinking it had been doing the past few days your brain had precious little going on to help you out with. “Karkat.”

“I just want to talk,” he said as he took another step towards you. You could feel your heartbeat in your skull. He was so close. You were so alone. He had hurt you _so badly_. So why the _hell_ did you still want him?

“Things got a little out of control,” he said as he took a step towards you.

You backed away instinctively. “Karkat, don't.”

He paused for just a second before frowning and walking towards you again. “Just give me a fucking chance to explain things, please.”

You laughed, but it was the emptiest sound you had ever heard. “What the hell is there to explain?”

He growled, but it didn't sound angry. “Look, things got heated.”

You stepped back again as he came closer.

“But I think we both derived some pleasure from it,” he said as he took another step towards you.

“Oh god, just shut up,” you whispered, your body betraying you as the memories caused a stirring in your groin.

“I think we can do things right,” he said as he closed the distance between you, “if we just...work this stuff out rationally this time.”

His tongue flicked over his lips as his mouth quirked into a tentative smile.

You stared into his eyes; your breath shallow, his coming heavy.

Oh, FUCK rationality; who the fuck even needed that guy?!

You threw your arms around Karkat's neck and pulled his lips to yours, coaxing his tongue into your mouth with your own. His body was completely tense, and you knew you had caught him off guard. You swirled your tongue around his, sucking on it gently, and he whimpered and grabbed your hips, pressing you against him. You gasped and he growled as he nipped at your lips, drawing a little blood from the injuries you had sustained in your last makeout session. He licked at the blood in long, drawn out strokes before plunging his tongue so far down your throat you thought you'd choke. You grabbed a fistful of his hair and wrenched his head back, ripping his lips from yours. He glared daggers as you as a growl started low in his throat. You needed him to get down, but what was a sufficiently blackrom way to do that? Punch him? Trip him? Ah, fuck it. You loosened your grip on his hair just enough to reach a couple fingers over and dig them into the base of a horn. His jaw went completely slack and his legs slumped beneath him as he whined. Remembering what happened last time, you used your other hand to grab him by the neck and pin him to the ground. The sudden shock of being dominated ripped him from his mindless pleasure and he snarled at you as he caught the back of your neck and dug his nails into your flesh.

You hissed with pain before straddling his hips and biting along his jaw. Your teeth did hardly any damage against tougher troll skin, but he warbled in pleasure regardless and the sound went straight your groin as your dick twitched to half-hardness. Emboldened by your progress, you sank your teeth into his earlobe, earning you a gasp as he raked a hand down your spine to palm your ass. It was completely unexpected and you jumped, losing your grip on his neck. He used that opportunity to pull your lips to his, sucking your tongue into his mouth as he wound his own much longer tongue around it. You moaned into his mouth and bucked your hips into his, feeling that same warm, moist sensation as you had last time. Karkat squealed as you slid a hand down his pants, his bulge wrapping around your hand and wrist and _squeezing_ and, oh fuck, you were completely hard now.

Karkat ran his tongue along the roof of your mouth as his lips left yours. He panted hot breath against your neck, making tiny nips at your jaw and neck as his bulge squirmed over your hand, for fuck's sake, you thought he was pinning you last time out of hate, but apparently trolls just didn't need to move their hips for stimulation the way humans did. You groaned with frustration as you grabbed his ear with your free hand and _pulled_ as hard as you could. He shrieked with pain as his eyes snapped to your own and he snarled in an attempt to bite you, yelping as he recoiled, your hold on his ear only earning him more pain. The rage that crossed his face made your breath hitch in fear, and he roared as he grabbed your throat with one hand—immediately loosening your grip on him—and ripped your shorts down with the other, your cock twitching in the cool air as the phrase “shit, trolls have claws” slid along the outer recesses of your mind.

Karkat was sitting upright with you in his lap before you even knew he had moved. Your shorts bunched up at your knees, forcing you to sit in a way that was awkward as fuck, but Karkat's claws running up your bare ass cheek was more than enough to make you forget about it. The hand on your throat shifted to the back of your head, bringing you close enough for him to bite your ear (fortunately not the one that was already injured), and you whimpered as your back arched, pushing your cock up against Karkat's sweater. A sudden madness overtook you and you reach down, catching fistfuls of cloth and ripped the sweater over his head. He was momentarily stunned, partially confused, but went back to your ear in an instant, tracing circles around the edge of it with his deliciously rough tongue. You shuddered and felt his bulge squirm with pleasure beneath you. He raked his teeth down your neck as you moaned and reached for his jeans, undoing them with one hand and pushing the fabric as far out of the way as possible. His bulge thrust through the opening almost gratefully and wound its way around your sack. A shiver ran up your spine as you let loose a wailing moan. You hated how much you wanted this, but you loved how good it made you feel. You especially loved how troll bulges seemed to always be warm and incredibly slick when aroused.

His bulge snaked its way under you and rubbed against the cleft of your spread cheeks. It was weird— _too_ weird—and you're certain panic played across your face even as you gasped and bucked your hips by the way Karkat grinned insidiously and let out a growling chuckle from low in his throat. Then it was pressed against your hole and you grabbed Karkat's throat, running solely on adrenaline.

“Karkat,” you choked out, your entire body tensing with the unwanted (but still so good, _damnit!_ ) sensations coming from your ass. “Don't you fucking dare!”

The grin on his face spread wider as he growled in challenge.

“I'm not fucking kidding, Karkat.” You shouted, tightening your grip on his throat.

The tip of his bulge was tracing circles around you and you shuddered in spite of yourself, _fuck!_ Karkat chuckled again as he ran that impossibly long tongue along the hang gripping his throat, and you felt your cheeks flush so hot that they burned.

“Karkat, I will steal the breath out of your fucking lungs if you don't stop!” you shouted, and you fucking meant it. This was happening, people. This was not a drill!

Karkat's eyes flashed for just a moment and you felt the tip of his bulge wriggling inside of you, the tip of it so mercifully tapered and soaking wet that it didn't hurt, at least, but was so incredibly awkward. SO wrong. This was NOT what you wanted right now, and you were inhaling the breath out of his lungs before you realized what you had done.

Karkat's bulge went limp as his eyes bulged while he tried to grasp for breath. Your hand tightened on his throat and why—WHY—could he not just BE with you and not FUCK THINGS UP all the fucking time?! You pushed him to the ground, the force of your body easily overpowering his as he scratched at your arms and face for you to let him go, to let him breathe. Just ONCE couldn't you have something even a LITTLE normal with him?! WAS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

Karkat's already dark skin turned darker, tears trickled from his eyes, and he placed a hand on your cheek as he mouthed “please”, and oh fuckFUCKFUCKFUCK, you forced air back into his lungs, ripped your hand away from his throat, and pulled him into your arms as your rocked back and forth and shouted curses at yourself over and over. He gasped and choked and finally began breathing ragged and heavily, too dazed to push you away as you buried your face in the crook of his neck and completely lost your shit.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god, Karkat, oh god, I'm so sorry. Karkat, I'm so fucking sorry, oh god, oh FUCK,” you cried, tears streaming down your face. “I can't, I can't do this. I can't keep doing this, oh god, Karkat, fuck FUCK!”

His hand was on your head, smoothing down your hair and you looked up into his eyes. They were stained with tears (your fault) and filled with pain (also your fault) and a twinge of worry (that's probably your fault too because, by the way, EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW IS YOUR FAULT).

You sniffled and wiped your eyes with the heel of your palm. “I can't keep hurting you like this. I can't stand seeing you beat up and looking so pitiful.” His hands were on your cheeks as he stared at you, slack-jawed and eyes edged with tears, ones that _you_ had put there by being a complete asshole. “I can't keep doing this to you. I'm so sorry. I have to—I have to go. I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry.”

Karkat took a deep breath, possibly to respond, but you were gone, absconding the fuck out of there, tearing through the air as you pulled your shorts back up. Your eyes stung as the wind pushed tears down your cheeks, and you just hoped that Dave wouldn't still be in your house when you got back, and were so thankful when he wasn't. You curled up in your bed, blankets pulled all the way over your head, and cried yourself to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which feels are sorted, comfort is found, and everything is the way it should be. In bed.

You awoke the next morning feelingly blessedly rested for once. Your head was a throbbing with sinus pressure, and you decided to clear everything out with a steaming hot shower. You tossed all of your clothes into the dirty pile, thankful that there was very little blood on your hoodie, though you felt and smelled horrible. You'd been in the same clothes for the past two days, and slept in them for the past two nights. Your skin was sticky with dried sweat, and washing all of that away was one of the greatest experiences you had had in the past week. You tilted your face up into the shower spray, letting it wash away the sweat, tears, and blood as though the water and steam could salvage what was left of your soul. If this kept up you would end up believing hot showers had magical healing powers.

The steam loosened up your sinuses enough to reduce some of the pressure in them, and you slicked your damp hair back as you took stock of your new injuries in the mirror. You were surprised to see very few. Your lips had been reopened, your neck has some new bite marks, and your other ear was nibbled up a little, but it was nothing like the first time. Had Karkat not been as into it, or had he just taken it easy on you? You weren't really sure you wanted to wonder what the implications of either of those options held, and went find some clothes to wear. You weren't putting your hoodie back on until it got washed, so you grabbed a pair of khakis and your trusty knock-off Slimer shirt before padding barefoot to the kitchen to reheat some more soup.

The sun was shining through your kitchen window and warmed your feet as you ate your soup. You felt surprisingly at ease considering how much turmoil your emotions had been in the night before. After everything that had happened, you had expected to be more of a blubbering mess. Maybe doing the right thing and ending it had helped? It didn't really matter. You didn't really want to think about it too much, just in case it ruined this decent mood.

Your hair was drying into disheveled curls by the time you had finished your soup. You heard a soft knock at your door and immediately tensed at the sound for a second before laughing at how ridiculous you were and going to see who it was. Your doorstep was empty except for a bright blue laptop with a note that read “dont throw thii2 out a wiindow”. You brought the laptop inside, sitting down on your couch as you turned it on. All of the programs you used most frequently were already installed on it, and you shot a quick message of thanks to Sollux over pesterchum. He didn't respond, but you hadn't expected him to anyway. You weren't exactly close. If you had to take a guess, you'd say the only reason he had even alchemized you a new laptop was because Dave had asked him to. You were scrolling up to find Dave's handle when a sudden madness came over you and you checked to see if Karkat was online. He wasn't, and you realized you had been holding your breath as you checked. Fuck, what was wrong with you? Your life felt so much...calmer without him in it, but you just _wanted_ him in it so badly.

You took a deep breath to steady your racing heart as you clicked on Dave's name and sent him a message of thanks for the laptop. A moment later he responded with a simple “no problem”, and you gave yourself a congratulatory smile for guessing right about Dave's part in your new electronic. He asked how you were doing, thankfully not prying into what had happened outside your house yesterday. He really was absolutely The Best Bro (with capitals and all because he is The Best; it is him).

Truthfully, you were feeling all right, albeit a little...antsy and uncomfortable. So much had happened to you recently that feeling slightly better than “my life is a complete shitstorm” made you feel almost...guilty. You realized with a pang of remorse that this is probably how Karkat felt about being happy when you were his moirail after he had been feeling so miserable about Gamzee. You wished you had known more about how he was feeling, but he probably wouldn't have been able to explain it in a way you would fully understand anyway. You had been someone's moirail and you _still_ didn't know much about how they worked.

You sighed and scrubbed a hand through your hair. Being clean certainly helped your mood. Washing away all of those layers of dirt, sweat, and tears had been an almost transcendent experience, and part of you couldn't even wait to wash all of the clothes you had been sleeping in. Sort of like cleansing everything of the shit that had happened recently? It was probably something deep and meaningful like that. You were a pretty deep guy.

You leaned farther back into your couch and scrolled back up to Karkat's name. Seriously, why couldn't you just let it go? It would make everything better, wouldn't it? Why the hell were you opening up a chat window to him? What the hell were you doing?! No! No typing! WHY WERE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?!

You slammed the laptop shut and dropped it on the floor in a huff, knowing it was the only way to save yourself from doing something stupid. You slumped down into the couch, your head on the armrest and your arm draped over your eyes. If you were going to have a mope, you might as well do it properly.

Your mind was surprisingly still. It wasn't a great feeling; just...okay, like you'd spent so much time worrying and crying and hating yourself and hating Karkat that you'd burned out your brain, and now it was just numb. Your thoughts just slid over the surface of your consciousness as everything deeper than that vibrated with a slight humming, as though you had a bad fever that had somehow left you cognizant. Your weird state of mind was doing a good job of drowning out the tiny voice that was trying to convince you that you should feel absolutely terrible about choking Karkat last night. It was absolutely true, but damned if you didn't need that kind of trauma in your head right now.

You rolled over and faced the back of the couch, staring dully at the powder blue fabric. You'd really done it this time. You might as well delete Karkat from your pesterchum list, because you were certainly never going to hear from him again. You're no expert, but you would hazard a guess that what you did went even beyond normal kismesis stuff. Not that you were kismeses. You were NOT kismeses, and you never HAD been. At least not on your part. How wonderful of you to have messed that up too; using Karkat's black feelings for you as a way to be close to him. So you sucked as a moirail and a kismesis. Perfect.

You groaned. Was there anything you _had_ done right? Well, no, that was a bit harsh on yourself. You had made Karkat feel better for a time, before you had fallen for him. You had just wrecked all of it immediately afterward. You groaned louder at your crippling stupidity. Maybe you really had been the same old John Egbert this whole fucking time after all.

You floated along in superficial thoughts of self-loathing for a while, none of it truly scratching the surface of your psyche, none of it doing the amount of damage your thoughts had been doing lately. It was as great of a blessing as you could ask for given the circumstances. You were drifting in and out of consciousness when you heard another knock at your door. You were surprisingly popular today. Figuring it was Dave (pesterchum hadn't gone off in a while), you dragged yourself over to the door and opened it with a slight yawn. Then immediately slammed it shut.

Why was Karkat on your doorstep?

You opened the door slowly, thinking maybe you were more asleep than you realized and were just imagining things. Nope, that was definitely Karkat outside your door. You were just about to reflexively slam the door shut again when the troll braced it open with his hand and looked you in the eyes.

“John,” he said, completely calm. “please.”

You nodded and let him in, closing the door behind him. He paused as he noticed your new laptop then turned to face you, wringing his hands. Your brain took a moment to catch up.

“Oh, sorry,” you said as you moved the laptop off of the floor. “Please, have a seat.”

Karkat nodded his gratitude as he took a seat on your couch. He was awfully on edge, which was understandable, but seemed not even a little angry, which was (oddly enough) a little unnerving. The couch was the only seating you had in the living room (which you were currently deeply regretting), so you sat on the opposite end and pulled your knees to your chest. Your heart felt like it was trying to vibrate its way out of your ribcage, and you swore you could feel every nerve in your body searing its way out of your flesh. Karkat was gnawing on his lower lip, and you couldn't help the stirring feeling it caused low in your gut. His hair looked especially rumpled today, as though he had come straight over after rolling out of bed. The circles under his eyes were darker than usual, so apparently he hadn't slept well (not that you could blame him). His eyes were the most heartbreaking though. They were glossy with a sheen of what seemed like tears, and it made you feel like a jerk. Here you were feeling pleasantly numb all morning, and he was the one going through emotional turmoil.

“Karkat, I'm sorry,” you sighed, not knowing what he had come to you for, but knowing that you needed to say this. “Last night...I'm so sorry. I have no excuse that's worth giving. It doesn't matter how I was feeling at the time, really. I should never have done that.”

He lifted his head and looked at you with those sad eyes. Your tongue suddenly felt a little thicker as your breath hitched in your throat.

“I just...” you continued. “I can't be in your quadrants, I think. I can't just be your moirail; I need you too much to be okay with that.” He had certainly learned that already. “And I _definitely_ can't be your kismesis because I care about you too much-” Your voice faltered as you realized you hadn't done as good of a job proving that.

He nodded and stared at his hands. “I know.”

You sighed through your nose as you grimaced at yourself. For all the times you thought of Karkat as the bad guy, you sure were looking like just as much of an asshole yourself.

“I think-” you swallowed, refusing to let the tears that burned at your eyes to come. “I think that I can't even handle being friends anymore.”

His head snapped up, and the guilt that filled you made you want to gag.

“I'm sorry,” you murmured hoarsely, and some selfish part of you hoped he realized how difficult this was. “Being with you makes me so happy. Seriously. But it's also been really painful and...I don't really think it can go back to how it was before.”

You stared at your feet, doing your best not to cry. You _had_ to be the stoic one here. You were going to fix this as best you could.

And then his hand was on yours.

Your eyes met his, and they seemed to mirror your own pain.

“ _I'm_ sorry,” he said, his voice shaking. “I didn't realize-” He let out a ragged breath and knuckled his eyes with his free hand. “For fuck's sake.”

He looked at you again and scoffed, catching you off guard. He shook his head.

“Ugh! This is fucking stupid,” he growled, but you got the impression he wasn't talking about you. “All this tearful shit, like we're in some completely stupid quadrant vacillation romcom.”

Yeah, he had completely lost you now.

He turned to face you, sitting on his heels, and you swore—you _swore—_ there was a cherry red blush in his cheeks.

He took a deep breath in, and his voice was noticeably steadier. “I didn't realize how much I meant to you. Or...”

You uncurled from yourself, your eyes widening, your heart so much hopeful than you should have allowed it to be. Karkat gave a loud, ragged sigh and his cheeks were _definitely_ red now.

“Or how much you mean to me,” he said, and the most beautiful little smiled quirked up the edges of his lips.

You barely even registered the tears rolling down your cheeks until he wiped them away with his thumb.

“I never hated you,” he said, his smile gone. “I just...I felt so betrayed. I couldn't keep you as a moirail after that, but...” A frustrated sigh. “I couldn't just leave. I wanted to be with you. I...I thought that going black was my only other option.”

His eyes dropped and he exhaled softly as his expression turned to one of shame, just for a moment. Then that adorable small smile was back and he was looking into your eyes again.

“I can't be friends with you either, fuckass,” he said in the most playfully insulting tone of voice. “And...well, I guess I've done so much of shoving you into quadrants that I owe you a chance to try your shitty single quadrant human boyfriend thing.”

“Are you serious?” you whispered because your brain was only working at half-capacity at the moment and you were certain talking any louder would scare him off like some frightened small animal.

He looked like he was trying to find something sufficiently snarky to say in response, but settled on nodding instead.

The hug you pulled him into had to have been suffocating, but he didn't even try to complain as he wrapped his arms around you just as tightly.

“Fucking hell, Karkat,” you babbled damn near hysterically into his hair. “I thought you hated me. I thought you _would_ hate me. What I did...to you...I can't even believe this. I can't even fucking believe this, fuck, SHIT! I'm sorry. I sound angry.”

“Are you angry?” he asked, his voice muffled in the crook of your neck.

“No, I'm not angry,” you said with a laugh, your eyes flooded with tears.

“Okay, well that's good.”

You released him as quickly as you had grabbed him and held him at arm's length.

“Whatever you need me to do,” your nearly inane babbling continued, “I can do. We can take things slow. I won't pressure you into anything. I know this is going to be new for you. I can deal with that. I swear. I won't mess this up. I can do this. We'll just go slow and let you get used to things.”

Karkat gnawed his lip again, and there went that stirring feeling, and maybe you shouldn't have spoken so soon. He placed a hand on your cheek and rubbed his thumb against your skin affectionately.

“Yeah, that's not going to work for me,” he said with a voice that was damn near a whisper.

Your heart plummeted. “What? Why not?”

He grabbed your arms and pulled you into his lap. “John, you have been insufferably sexy around me twice now.”

Your heart threatened to punch through your chest.

“I am not waiting any longer for this.”

You whimpered as he pulled your lips up to meet his, melting into his embrace as his tongue lovingly played across all of the scabs and bruises that he had inflicted recently. You sucked on Karkat's bruised lower lip and earned a purr in response. It seemed like years since you had last heard that sound. It twisted up your insides in a way that was entirely enjoyable as it made your dick twitch. You grasped his face in your hands as you ran your tongue along his, savoring its roughness. He swirled his tongue around yours, pulling your tongue further into his mouth as he sucked on it. You moaned into his mouth with a soft shudder. He had only done that twice so far and it was already becoming a favorite. He pulled away for a quick breath before leaning back in to nibble at your lip. You flinched and he immediately pulled back, his eyes almost pathetically apologetic as he gnawed on his own lip. You smiled and rested your forehead against his.

“It's okay,” you breathed and Karkat sucked your lip into his mouth to nibble at once again.

And it was okay, because somewhere in the chaos of the past couple of weeks your body had begun to register some amount of pain as pleasure since it was the only thing you had been getting from Karkat for a while. A sudden pinch of pain made you gasp and you knew that your lip had broken open again. Calm as he was, it was now obvious that trolls enjoyed when a bit of blood came into play, even in the red quadrant. Or as boyfriends. Or whatever. Fuck, now you were thinking in quadrants and Karkat was on boyfriends! Life was some weird shit sometimes.

Karkat's tongue halfway down your throat pulled you out of your ADD inner sex monologue, and you shoved him away as you coughed and sputtered. His hands were on your cheeks as he nuzzled your forehead.

“Sorry! I'm sorry,” he said. “Got carried away.”

You grinned as you took off your glasses, setting them on the top of the couch, and pulled him back into a deep kiss. He eased into it, running a hand under your shirt as he softly raked his claws over your spine. You shivered and moaned; he scratched a little harder. You broke the kiss, hissing as you arched your back in pleasure. Karkat growled low in his throat, but it was husky and pleasurable instead of frightening. The hand on your back moved to your waist as he ran his wonderfully rough fingers along your side. Your dick twitched at the touch and you wished he could be touching all of you at once, running his calloused fingers over every inch of you as he took what he wanted from your body because you were seriously fucked up now and, goddamit, you didn't fucking _care_. You were with Karkat, he didn't hate you, and he could do with you as he pleased.

He pushed your shirt up to your neck as he palmed your ass and pulled your chest closer to his mouth. You whimpered in anticipation as he traced a circle around a nipple with his tongue before running his teeth over it and you shivered, _fuck_ you shivered, and moaned because SERIOUSLY you liked that touch of pain that his teeth brought out of you now. He sucked your nipple farther past his lips, his teeth surrounding it with pinpoints of delicious pain, as he wrapped his tongue around it. The roughness of his tongue brought it to stiffness almost immediately as you gasped and ran your hands through his hair. He sucked on it for a moment longer before releasing it and moving to the other one. You gasped and bucked your hips as his teeth ran over your skin again. Your hands brushed past his adorably nubby horns and you massaged your thumbs into the base of them. Karkat warbled under your touch and backed off of your chest as he tilted his head up to run that extra long tongue of his up your neck and jaw before flicking your earlobe with it and, holy shit, you had you had flown right passed arousal and gone straight to dick straining with need. Karkat's breath was hot against your skin as he traced the edge of your ear, circling ever closer to the center where he plunged the narrow tip of it directly into your ear and moan that escaped your lips would have been embarrassingly slutty if you hadn't stopped giving a shit about how slutty you were for Karkat just 10 minutes ago. His tongue wriggled in your ear and you bucked your hips into his midriff, your cock twitching angrily at the clothing between you. You grabbed fistfulls of hair and yanked his head back (not quite as hard as you had during hate-makeouts, but Karkat didn't seem opposed anyway) as you bit down on his bruised lower lip. Karkat keened, his eyes rolling back for a moment before he grabbed you by the hips and forced you down onto the couch, the soft cushions against your back at odds with the pleasurable pain in front of you.

You gasped as his claws dug into your flesh, instinctively arching your back as shivers shot up your spine. Karkat was licking his lips as his gaze slid along your chest and stomach. He looked like a fucking predator with that hungry look in his eyes, and it made your groin burn worse than ever and you couldn't _take it_ anymore. You palmed the obvious bulge in your khakis as you stared up at your boyfriend with half-lidded eyes.

“Karkat,” you panted, your words ending with a slight whine. “Please.”

His pupils noticeably dilated, which was weird but so fucking sexy at the same time, and he ripped your shirt over your head as he bit at your neck and shoulder. You groaned, wanting to touch him but your shirt was tangled around your elbows and the thought of Karkat purposely doing that to pin you was so much hotter than the thought of running your hands over him so you fucking left it like that. His tongue was against your jaw and you fucking _loved_ how rough and warm and wet it was as he licked down the length of your neck, pausing a moment to nip at your collarbone before continuing to lick down the length of your torso, ending at the tip of your pants. You whined and strained to buck your hips, but he was sitting on your legs and it made you want to fucking cry from frustration. He grinned devilishly at you before slipping his tongue just far enough under your khakis for his tongue to brush against the tip of your dick through your underwear. You cried out and arched your back, hips _still_ not able to move and it was AGONIZING. Karkat reached a hand up to your arms and applied enough pressure to keep you from thrashing. You groaned as you strained to reach him. He let out a husky chuckle as his lips brushed past yours and tears stung the corners of your eyes because, dammit, you really _were_ crying from frustration.

“Dammit Karkat,” you groaned as you squeezed your eyes shut to force away the tears. “Please, fuck! PLEASE!”

He flicked his tongue over the tip of your nose, which was oddly affectionate after all the agonizing teasing.

“Be patient, fuckass,” he said, but he was smiling and he gave you a soft kiss before returning his attention to your pants. Your eyes fluttered closed as you shivered when you felt your fly come undone. Karkat's hands were on your hips and sliding your khakis down slowly, and you savored those fingers on your thighs even as you anxiously awaited more. Your pants were bunched up at your knees (Karkat was still sitting on your legs) but your pre-cum stained briefs were still trapping your aching dick against your body. You felt Karkat's hot breath against your thigh as he ran his tongue over your balls and you moaned obscenely as your fingers grasped helplessly at the air. He palmed your dick lightly for just an instant before sliding your briefs down to rest above your pants and OH FUCKING SHIT his tongue was coiled around your cock and so _rough_ and _wet_ and FUCK the bumps and ridges on his tongue felt so amazing as he lowered his mouth over your entire cock and gently slid his teeth up your length and you fucking SCREAMED as your back arched so far off the couch that the top of your head dug into the couch cushions before you had a moment of rational thought and tore the shirt off of your arms and stuffed it into your mouth. The last thing you needed was anyone hearing it and thinking you guys were attempting to kill each other again.

Karkat swirled his tongue around your dick before making a tentative effort at sucking at the head and it was _amazing_ , but his teeth were in the way just enough to cause a bit more pain than was pleasurable and you choked back a sob (and nearly choked on the shirt) as you realized his teeth were going to keep you from having the orgasm you so desperately wanted and you fucking _ached_ and you needed him so _badly_ and you tore the shirt from your mouth and grabbed him by a horn. He froze instantly, eyelids fluttering, and carefully looked up at you and you could have fucking melted as you saw the cherry red blush in his cheeks and his tongue hanging out of that panting mouth and coiled around your dick. He was gorgeous, and he was yours, and his pants were so drenched with his own fluids that he was dripping on you, and you needed him _now._

He ran his curled tongue up your cock and you shuddered as he wrapped it around the head and squeezed.

“Karkat,” you gasped, your eyes welling with tears because crying did not suck anymore. You wanted to give him some sort of command, but your brain chose that exact moment to stop functioning at full capacity and tears tricked down your cheeks as you grit your teeth in frustration at your inability to communicate. The gorgeous creature in front of you understood somehow, bless the ever-loving fuck out of him, and leaned over to shoosh you calm again.

“Where's your bed?” Karkat asked as he gently papped his hands over your face, which was weirdly calming, what the fuck? What the fuck, trolls? What the fuck?

Your brain still sucked at its job so you pointed towards the stairs. Karkat gathered you up in his arms and practically ran up the stairs, and you loved him even more for it. He pulled your pants and underwear off and tossed them next to your bed as he set you down on it, then gave you a soft kiss before pulling his shirt over his head, tossing it onto your clothes pile. He had some decent muscle definition under those giant sweaters he always wore. You were a little sad to find he didn't have any nipples for you to play with, but some odd red-hued scarring along his sides caught your eye (seriously, how did you not notice this stuff during the hate sex last time?). There were three on each side, evenly spaced, and similarly sized. Your curiosity got the better of you and you reached out and touched them. Karkat had been in the middle of taking his pants off, but the moment you touched him he shuddered and whined. It only took your sex-addled brain a second to register they were sensitive before you pulled him closer to run your tongue along one. He gasped and and leaned against you for support, running a hand through your hair. The scars were softer than the rest of his skin, and it was easier to elicit responses from him. You nipped at one softly, just to experiment, and Karkat moaned as he buried his face in your hair. Your dick twitched violently at how amazingly hot a vocal Karkat was, but you really needed him to take his pants off. You gave one final lick and pulled back.

“What are they?” you asked, a bit embarrassed you knew so little about the biology of the species you were sharing a planet with.

Karkat's brain seemed to have gone fuzzy too as he stepped out of his pant legs, wobbling only slightly.

“Grub legs,” he mumbled. “They fall off and leave scars.”

That made so much sense that you felt completely moronic for not figuring that out on your own. Trolls obviously didn't have multiple legs when they got older. It only made sense they lost some in the process. And they would be sensitive because of the leftover nerve endings after the legs were gone. But fuck all of that because Karkat's bright red bulge was out and you had better shit to pay attention to now. You expected the troll to jump you, but instead he looked a little nervous. You laughed at the irony of it and pulled him closer to you, pinning his bulge between you out of a partially irrational fear that it if it got too close to your neck it might choke you. Karkat whimpered and bit his lip at your touch, and you guided his lips down to yours with a gentle grip on his chin. He was shaking slightly, and you had a feeling it wasn't because he was cold. You licked the tip of his nose and smiled.

“It's okay,” you reassured him. “I want this.”

His cheeks flushed in an incredibly adorable manner. “Are you sure? I don't want things to get fucked up in the end again.”

You grinned slyly in response and took his bulge in hand. Karkat sucked a breath through his sharp little teeth and steadied himself with a hand on your shoulder. He was just becoming coherent when you dipped your head and ran your tongue along the tip of his bulge. His hand dug into your shoulder as his knees wobbled, his startled keening the most beautiful fucking thing you had ever heard. It seemed like this had never occurred to him, and you supposed it wouldn't have since trolls all have fangs. His bulge was surprisingly still as your worked your mouth around it. You could feel that the underside actually wasn't as smooth as you had previously thought, and in fact had slight ridges all along it. It was as soaking wet as ever, but fortunately the fluid seemed mostly flavorless, and the amount of flavor it did have wasn't unpleasant. There was a _lot_ of fluid though. You could only suck on it for a moment before you had to risk drowning or let go. Karkat's panting breath was coming out in high pitched whines as you licked his bulge from base to tip, giving it an experimental nip at the very tip of it. Karkat pushed you away suddenly and you recoiled back even further.

“I'm so sorry, did I hurt you?” you asked.

He breathed deeply for a moment before shaking his head. “No, just...really fucking scared me. It's sensitive.”

You nodded and attempted to wipe the obscene amount of red-tinted fluid off of your face when Karkat pulled you into another kiss, licking his lips afterward.

“Don't,” he instructed. “I like that look on you.”

If words could make you come, those would have been the ones to do it. Instead you just whimpered and pulled him into another quick kiss, sliding your tongue against his, before he pushed you down towards the mattress.

“Turn over,” he commanded, and your heart stopped in your chest for an instant. You knew this was all going to end in sex, and you definitely wanted sex, but part of you kind of assumed you would be the one on top. Nooks were kind of like vaginas, weren't they? Or was that presumptuous? You nervously rolled onto your hands and knees, resting on your heels because you were too nervous to be wagging your ass at him yet.

“Karkat,” you murmered, but his arms were around you, his lips pressed into the crook of your neck, and he purred so deeply that you felt the vibrations in your back. It was incredibly soothing.

“Don't worry,” he whispered, flicking that tongue you loved so fucking much at this point over the back of your ear. “I know what to do.”

That caught you off guard. “Wait, how?”

You received no response and he gently pushed you forward so that your ass was in the air, feet hanging off the end of the bed. He massaged his hands over your back and thighs before spreading your legs apart. You were stupidly nervous. This did not seem like an awesome idea. You wanted Karkat, you really did, but this was more than you had ever imagined before and you guys hadn't exactly had a great amount of trust going on just a few hours ago. You grabbed one of your pillows, buried your face in it, and exhaled raggedly in an attempt to relax.

Karkat ran his hands along the insides of your thighs, dragging his claws along your skin just hard enough to give you goosebumps as you shivered with pleasure. You gasped with shock as you felt his tongue on your balls again, his breath hot and damp against your flesh. You moaned into the pillow, but even that could barely muffle the sound. You heard Karkat chuckle as his tongue trailed upward toward oh FUCK. You gripped the pillow tightly in a fit of nerves as his tongue licked up the length of your cleft then traced a circle around your hole, and you were suddenly REALLY glad you had showered that morning. The bumps and ridges of his tongue were oddly relaxing as they rubbed against such a sensitive area, and you found yourself leaning into the pressure before long, soft moans escaping your lips. You pushed the pillow away, thinking it was only fair that Karkat should hear how he was making you feel. You had just become fully comfortable with Karkat's tongue on your ass when you felt an odd pressure on the muscle and you were pretty sure—YEP, OKAY—his tongue was definitely pushing its way through the tight ring, the ridges of his tongue almost massaging you to relaxation. Almost. You squirmed in discomfort, thankfully not enough to be painful, but it was just so _weird_ to have something in there and part of you instinctively felt the need to excuse yourself to the bathroom. Then he started licking around the edges and oh fucking hell, that actually felt kind of good, and how weird was that? He pushed his tongue in farther, stretching you slowly, and you were suddenly _incredibly_ grateful that troll tongues were just as tapered as troll bulges because it was acclimating you at a perfect pace.

His tongue reached even farther into you and you gasped as it hit something that made you dick twitch, leaking pre-cum onto your comforter. His tongue brushed passed it again and you moaned and shivered, your legs shaking under your own weight, and Karkat purred his approval, the vibration feeling so incredible on your insides. He pressed his tongue in as far as it would go and gave that sweet spot one good, long lick as you cried out and writhed under his touch, almost reaching back to wrap a hand around your aching dick, but he pulled away leaving you unpleasantly empty. You whined and rocked your hips towards him in spite of yourself, just wanting to feel full and warm and moist again.

Karkat chuckled as he squeezed both of your ass cheeks and then his bulge was feeling its way from your balls to your ass with not enough time for you to fully register was happening before it had snaked its way past your stretched ring of muscle. You cried out, mostly in fear, but Karkat was not the same anger-crazed troll he had been a couple days ago and he was not forcing himself in. You settled back down onto the bed, shivering constantly because holy FUCK his bulge was _burning hot_ inside you and leaking sweet lubrication everywhere and it just slid in halfway with no complaint from you because oh _god_ it was so much thicker and wonderful and you fucking _needed this_ , and you didn't even know how much you needed it until right this second.

Karkat was panting hard as he moved his bulge around almost identically to how he had started with his tongue. His hands gripped your ass tighter as he pulled you closer to him slowly, slowly, but you were done with being cautious because fuck that guy, you just wanted to get _fucked_ already. You thrust your hips back towards Karkat, momentarily regretting the decision as his bulge was pushed deeper into you a little harder than anticipated, but the burst of pain you expected was dulled significantly by the slickness of it. The amount of fluid leaking from it had graduated to a waterfall, and the warmth of it felt fantastic as it dripped down your sack. Karkat took your enthusiasm as an “all okay” signal and pressed himself completely into you, his body burning hot as it pressed against yours. He keened loudly around gasping for air, his claws creating pinpricks of fantastic pain on your hips. He reached down and raked a hand along your spine again, moaning as you shuddered violently in extreme pleasure, his bulge unusually still inside you.

“Are you okay?” he gasped out. The sound of Karkat being so incredibly aroused alone made you moan in response.

“You need to fucking move,” you rasped between gritted teeth, “and you need to do it _now_.”

Karkat whined in assent as his claws gripped you tighter and FUCK his bulge was _squirming_ around inside you and how the hell did it even all FIT in there and fucking HELL those ridges kept rubbing against your prostate in a constant rhythm of pressure. You grabbed the pillow back and shoved your face into it as you screamed, you fucking _screamed_ , as the thick base of his bulge stretched you to gloriously painful limits and his claws dug in hard enough to draw blood. Tears stung your eyes but you loved it, you fucking loved it, and you rocked your hips back against your gorgeous fucking boyfriend who you loved so agonizingly much right now, as he reached a hand down to your shoulder to steady himself. You cock was straining so hard, the intense pleasure from your prostate nearly overwhelming you with the need to be touched and you gasped out a barely audible “Karkat”, but he knew, he already knew and he wrapped his hand around you and gave a firm tug and you were DONE. Your orgasm tore through your abdomen, tightening muscles you hadn't even known existed as your cum splattered over his hand to join the spreading stain of red fluid beneath you, and you screamed like someone being stabbed to death hoping like mad that the pillow would muffle it. Your muscles tightened around Karkat's bulge and he wailed (no hope of muffling that) as you experienced the _weirdest_ sensation of being completely flooded with burning hot liquid while your brain barely registered the mess you were about to deal with. Karkat's bulge slipped slowly out of you, his genetic material following it in what could only be described as a river, and he flopped down on the bed next to you.

You rolled on to your back and let your legs hang off the side of the bed. Your thighs were painfully stiff and you felt empty and cold as the last of Karkat's fluids dripped out of you, but you felt satisfied as hell. You pulled Karkat closer to you, wrapping your arms around him as you both took some time to catch your breath, completely ignoring the enormous wet patch you were both lounging in. You ran a hand through his sweat-dampened hair, and he hissed as you brushed past his horn, his hand grasped your wrist and brought it to his lips to kiss each fingertip.

“Sorry,” you breathed, assuming he was too overstimulated to have his horns touched.

Karkat smiled softly and nuzzled into your side because apparently he was as adorable as he had been as your moirail after he had an orgasm. He made an odd sort of chirruping sound that made you feel happy even though you didn't know what it meant. You cupped his cheek in your hand and tilted his head up for a kiss. Karkat purred and licked his lips, and you had completely forgotten your face was still partially coated in his lubricating fluids. Awesome. You were just going to have to get your gorgeous new boyfriend into the shower with you: problem solved!

You kissed his forehead as his eyelids fluttered shut. Okay, rest first and then hot, steamy shower. It's not like you hadn't been sleeping in bodily fluids for the past few days. What did another couple hours matter? You grabbed the edge of your blanket and pulled it up over the both of you then touched your forehead to his. Your brain was settling into a warm comfortable feeling when it remembered your earlier question.

“How did you know what to do?” you asked him.

Karkat's eyes shot open as his cheeks flushed. “I...uh. I asked...someone.”

Okay, this was interesting. There was only a few people who would have been able to give him that information.

“It wasn't one of the girls, was it?” you asked, feeling suddenly embarrassed at the thought.

Karkat grimaced, thankfully, and shot a quick “no” at you before snuggling in closer and resting his eyes again.

You laid there smiling in complete bliss as you watched him doze peacefully, so glad that you didn't have to worry about him trying to scratch you up for being this close.

“Oh shit!” you suddenly shouted. “Was it Dave?”

Karkat squeaked in shock. “Are you fucking crazy?! He would have used my thorax as a shitty sword display case if I had asked him the right way to fuck you!”

You nodded your head sagely because that really did make the maximum amount of sense. Dave wanted you to be happy, and you were pretty sure he even wanted you to be happy in a real relationship with Karkat, but he would not have liked being asked that before the dust had fully settled. And that meant...

“OH GOD YOU ASKED ERIDAN!” you shouted, and immediately burst into hysterical giggles at the thought of that hipster ponce telling Karkat the right way to lick your asshole.

Karkat pushed himself upright and loomed over you, eyes narrowed into adorably angry slits. “Shut the FUCK UP, you worthless nooksniffing piece of shit! I will vomit concentrated rage and suffocate you with it if you don't shut your obnoxious fucking speech hole this fucking instant!”

His face was a burning bright red, and it was the most adorable thing you had ever fucking seen. You pulled him against you and kissed his forehead.

“Oh, calm down,” you chided lovingly. “Choking down your pride hard enough to ask Eridan for sex tips just proves how much you care about me.”

His blush softened as he stared at your grinning face. He pressed his lips softly against yours. “I guess it does.”

He tucked his head under your chin as he pressed himself against you, mindlessly stroking your chest with his thumb, his breath turning slow and shallow with sleep.

“Karkat,” you whispered, and his eyes opened again as he tilted his face towards yours. “I love you.”

He blushed and brushed his thumb over your lips, looking rather awkward. You grinned.

“You can say you pity me,” you said in a teasing tone of voice as you pressed your nose against his. “I don't mind.”

The smirk that spread across Karkat's face was unbearably cute as he leaned over your chest, gnawing on his lip for a moment before shaking his head.

“You're fucking perfect,” he said before locking your lips in another amazing kiss, and you wrapped your arms around him because this time you were not letting him go.


End file.
